Make Me Feel
by AlessanaVargas
Summary: Quinn feels like she can't take it anymore, she breaks down thinking nobody is watching her, thinking nobody cares... But there is someone watching, someone silently caring for her, and she doesn't even know.
1. Chapter 1

**"People always leave_"_**

I say to myself as I stood outside alone walking towards the football field. I'll admit I have trust issues I do not know how to resolve. It's just the fact that people always leave that keeps me from really trusting anyone, "_They always end up betraying you or leaving you"_, and I have found that to be true. And I've always found a way to shield myself from people, and act like it doesn't matter, sometimes it's easy, sometimes it is not and today was a hard day, today was the first Cheerios competition I'd miss in my entire high school experience and it was just too much.

I had it all once, or at least I thought I did, I was popular, pretty, I was a straight A student, captain of the Cheerios. Everyone wanted to be near me, everyone wanted me to talk to them, to make them feel like they were someone in those wretched halls, everyone wanted to _be_ me… but no one wanted _me. Just me._ And it used to hurt, it used to make me feel like I was just a trophy, but as the years passed by I learnt how to shield everything and everyone out. And I became unreachable, untouchable, unaffected to the point where even though I was basically walking hand to hand with Brittany and Santana, it felt like we were miles apart. Nothing mattered and nothing hurt, or so everyone thought. But in reality nothing mattered because everything hurt so much.

And now I find myself sitting alone staring at what used to be my scenario, what used to be my home, it had been the first Cheerio's competition I'd miss and I was just staring at the empty football field remembering the sound of the crowd and the loud music that played as they did their routine, _without me_, not needing me at all. I had become irrelevant and replaceable…

**"A disappointment to myself and everyone else".**

As I said that out loud the images returned to me, memories of faces and voices telling me how much of a disappointment I had become. And I cried. I cried like I hadn't cried in a very long time, if I'd ever even cried like that. I cried over my father's words and my mom's inability to stand up for me. I cried for Puck and his eyes when we have Beth up. I cried for Beth because I'd never get to know her. I cried because of Coach Sylvester and the Cheerios. I cried for myself, because at that moment I was nothing more than a lonely person feeling sorry for herself.

"_Stop it! Stop it right this instant!" _more sobs, I can't stop _"I said STOP! You will NOT feel sorry for yourself, you hear me! You DID this! You messed it up. You DO NOT get to feel sorry for yourself!" _I try to breathe and I try to stop crying. _"Man up Fabray and live up to your own fucking mistakes!"._

I managed to stop crying as I started to feel furious, furious at myself for allowing such weaknesses. I stopped and looked around feeling the rage build up until my eyes were filled with tears again. Anger tears. I tightened my grab at the bleacher I was seated in and shouted in silence feeling my hands starting to get numb, but I couldn't let go or I'd fall.

I silently screamed all of the anger and the disappointment. I took a deep breath and shouted silently once again, trying to get rid of all the sadness and self pity. I screamed and screamed without letting any sound out. I screamed and screamed until my lungs hurt and I felt exhausted, I let go of the bleacher and lifted my numb hands to my face surprised to feel tears in my cheeks, I didn't even noticed when I had started crying and just sat there, feeling empty and swollen and cold. I couldn't move, I could barely move, I was trying to find the strength to get up and walk away but I feared I would fall or faint if I got up too quickly so I just remained seated while I slowly felt strength return to me.

I finally got up and took one last breath and long look at the football field feeling the emptiness inside me but preparing to ignore it once again. I stood there swallowing my misery one last time and felt like a stranger looking from the outside in, I turned around and started walking. It took me 10 steps until I saw her, Rachel Berry, just standing there looking at me, waiting, and I froze.

"_Did she just see that? Why is she here? Why is she here now! Oh God…"_

I stood her looking at her trying to harden my eyes, to build up my walls, but I couldn't I was to tired to call my inner bad ass and I didn't know what to do. Nobody was supposed to see me like this, _nobody… Specially_ Rachel Berry. I could feel her gaze over me, expectant, waiting for me to do something.

"_Man up Fabray! Look at her! Even if she saw you, you can always find a way to shut her up. Just breathe and LOOK AT HER!"_

I gathered what little strength and pride I could at that moment and met her eyes, those big expressive brown eyes and I was surprised by what I found in her look. She was scared, _scared_, but not as in a "OMG she's about to slushy me" scared, this was different, it was almost as if she was scared _for_ me and not _by_ me. But that didn't make sense at all! Why the hell should she fear _for me!_ … It was almost as if…. As if she cared….

"_No, that's not possible. NO ONE cares"._

I looked deeper into her eyes trying to find something more, something _else_, I didn't even know what it was I was looking for, I just knew there had to be something else…

"_Why did she have to be here now? And standing in my way!... did … Did she follow me here or something! No one knew I was here…."_.

And my feet start to move, I make my way towards her, every step closer without ever looking anywhere else, I walked hard and sure of myself trying to get her to flinch, or look away, or just move the hell out of my way! I intensified my gaze just 3 steps away from her and that did it, I don't know what she saw but it worked, she lowered her eyes and looked down and I felt satisfied, satisfied and tired.

"_Move already!"._

But she didn't, so I walked around her very slowly, almost like not wanting to leave, something inside me wanted her to do something, and just as I was beside her I saw it. Her hand move, almost grabbing mine, but it stopped and she pulled back. And I remembered, I am unreachable and untouchable and my strength came back.

I looked at her and walked away, closing my hand in a fist, and so did she. I felt something deflate in me…. Did I want her to reach out? I've always been cold and distant to everybody. But with her I'd always been mean and cruel… Why was _she_ the only one that always tried to reach out to me?

I walked away confused and feeling my heart pressed against my chest again. I walked away… I just walked away as I always did. I could feel her gaze so I lifted my chin in my HBIC pose and left, I left quickly before I broke down again. I wanted to run but I couldn't, I was better than that, I was supposed to be stronger than that, I wasn't supposed to let myself breakdown, let alone let anyone _watch me_ break down.

"_You are a Fabray God dammit! ACT LIKE ONE!"._

And with that I got into my car and drove away clearing my head and heart from everything that had happened earlier.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Hello! Thank you for reading the first chapter. I am new at this and I hope you'll like it. I am completely open to suggestions, comments, grammar and spelling corrections and anything else you'd like to add. It has been a tough weekend. This is not so angsty as the first one, this is more insightful (or at least that was my intention). Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Please review!**_

Rachel was just leaving her late rehearsals with Brad when she noticed Quinn's was still on the parking lot and wondered what would keep Quinn so late on campus and decided to find out. As she walked this weird feeling in her stomach started to build and she hurried her steps.

She got to the football field without even thinking that that was where she wanted to go and she saw the unmistakable figure of Quinn Fabray sitting alone on the bleachers just staring at the empty field, she couldn't see properly from where she was standing and she moved a bit closer, but remained caution about not being within Quinn's view range. When she was actually close enough to see her face she was immediately heart-broken at the sight: There she was, Quinn Fabray… _THE_ Quinn Fabray screaming in silence completely devastated. And Rachel felt as if the world had just stopped, her heart started to ache and she felt the urge to go running to the girl and hold her so she would just stop… but something told her that it wasn't her place to do so. Little she really knew about Quinn Fabray, but she knew enough to realize that this was something that was meant to be private.

She just kept looking at her screaming in silence and when she started to cry Rachel felt her eyes start to tear up and she closed her eyes trying to control herself, and she started to recall all those moments when she noticed Quinn's sadness in her eyes, the moments when she thought nobody was looking and she'd lower her gaze or looked away, even if for a fraction of second, and her eyes changed, they shone from all of the held back tears, and then she'd look up again and her eyes were cold once again. Rachel had always felt somewhat "protective" of Quinn and she always tried to reach out, even when Quinn always shut her out and did things to hurt her, somewhere inside Rachel knew that was just part of Quinn's act and so she kept offering a real friendship to her… She looked at Quinn again and she seemed so lost, so small, so hopeless that Rachel felt fear take over in her heart, fear for the girl, she saw such hopelessness in Quinn's eyes that she started imagining the worse. How could she not have seen it before? When she gave up Beth, when she didn't return to the Cheerios, when she drifted away from everyone (even Brittany and Santana)…

She saw Quinn get up and start to walk right to where she was and she didn't move. Quinn hadn't seen her yet so it was her opportunity to leave, but… she didn't want to leave, she wanted to stay and just comfort the girl, hug her, tell her something, hold her hand… Anything!... But Quinn wouldn't like to know someone saw her, what if she thought Rachel was going to use that against her? What if she got really pissed and pushed her? Or worse! What if she just didn't say anything and just became even meaner to her at school? But before she even finished that last question, she knew she was going to stay, she was not going to leave Quinn alone, even if that meant she'd have to pay for it after.

Quinn was now just a few steps away from her and Rachel was now feeling the full effect of Quinn's gaze, it was a mixture of sadness, fear, anger and Cheerio Quinn… But most of all it was filled with struggle, Rachel could clearly watch Quinn's inner struggle in her eyes as she tried to appear tough and cold and menacing and just 3 steps away she could not take it any longer she saw Quinn's hazel eyes as she had never seen them before and she felt she was about to break and she couldn't so she lowered her eyes away from Quinn, but she didn't move. She saw Quinn moving around her and for the couple of seconds they were side to side she thought about reaching for her hand, she made the move but instantly held back. She couldn't… So she withdrew her hand and let Quinn walk away feeling something ache inside her as she closed her hand.

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><p>It only takes about 15 minutes to get from school to my house, too little time for my taste, I wish I could just drive for hours and sometimes I wish I could just drive away from here, maybe that way I could breathe again.<p>

Usually I start getting anxious when I drive around the corner to my house, I really dread getting there, I've never been fond of being in the house, when my dad lived there, there were only two possible scenarios: either he would be happily drunk and just throw shallow compliments, fake smiles and awkward hugs (which you had to endure and smile back at or else..) or he would be angrily drunk and then you'd have to watch out everything you said or do because all hell would break lose. Regardless which one it was, getting home was always the worst part of my day, and lately it wasn't that much different, after my mother came to me and asked me to move back we'd try to fix our relationship, we tried to really talk about it, we made promises about love and trust and support, we hugged and we smiled, but we were already too far apart to make something real out of it. The daily routine was awkward and we barely spoke other than the usual _Good mornings _and _Have a nice day's_, I'd try to look into my mother's eyes but I could never find them, she would look at me directly, and sometimes I even tried to get a hug but I found myself always standing alone because she'd walk away with whatever lame excuse came into her mind at the time. It was sad that we had come to this, this coexistence, this fictional relationship, it hurt but that was how real life was and I couldn't do anything about it.

I got to the front porch and noticed that my mother's car was not on the driveway and that all the lights were out.

"**I guess I'm home alone… Again".**

"_Good! What do you need her there for? It's not like she actually notices you there"._

I turned off the engine and got out of the car, took a deep breath and made my way to the front door and into the house. Everything is quiet, the silence brings me a feeling of solitude I am well accustomed to but also peace, there's something about the stillness and darkness in the house that makes me feel at peace, which is just perfect because that is all that I needed right now. I go up to my room and throw my things in the bed, and then throw myself, embracing the silence and the darkness that surrounds me, feeling lost in it but strangely at ease.

After a while of just staying there I wonder what time is it.

"_10 pm… Well my mother's not coming home tonight_" and I let out a sigh of relief. I get up because I am starving and look at my walls feeling the aching from before come back to me I remember how they used to be filled with photos and notes and drawings from what seemed to be another life, another Quinn. I could actually remember where every photo used to be, me and Brittany, me and Santana, Brittany, Santana and I, Finn, Puck, Glee, and so on and so on, I used to love seeing all those smiling faces looking back at me, but one day I couldn't take it anymore, it all felt so fake, all the smiles seemed empty and the weight of it all sunk in when I returned to the house after living with Mercedes, I can still remember the day.

_The doctor had signed the release after just a day after Beth was born, my mother had picked me up and already had all of my stuff from Mercedes' house in the car, I was nervous about coming back to my father's house, but I also felt relieved that I'd be back to a place I'd known my entire life._

_We left the hospital and my mother drove to the house, she seemed genuinely happy and she never let go of my hand. I tried hard not to read too much into it so I wouldn't be too disappointed if it didn't last. When we got home there was a banner that read: Welcome Back Home Quinnie! And there was a cake and food and my mother seemed as nervous as I was so I hugged her, I hugged her and I meant it and I smiled and felt something, something warm._

"_Hold up Quinn, don't get too carried away, don't get your hopes up yet…. Not again"._

_We ate the cake and smiled fondly at each other without saying a word, and then we were finished she started to clean up and I started feeling really tired, so I told her I was going to take a nap and walked up stairs to my room, feeling more tired with every step I took, I was finally going to sleep in my bed and I couldn't wait for it. I sat on my bed looking at the smiling faces on the wall, faces that used to make me feel happy and safe, but now they did the opposite, suddenly I felt uncomfortable, I tried shaking it off but I just couldn't so I stood up quickly and took them all off and hid them in a drawer. _

_Then, the exhaustion washed over me and I just dozed away on my bed, feeling that something inside me was broken._

"_Well, at least you're in your bed now, you can sleep and rest now…."_

Looking at the empty walls in my bedroom and thinking of that day made my heart ache again. I still couldn't understand why was I so broken, what was the moment that broke me, that made me so afraid to feel. I sat in my desk and thought about opening the drawer in which I kept the photos, but everything from earlier was fighting it's way back to the surface and I was not going to allow it. I just took a quick glance at the only photo I hadn't put away in the drawer. It was our first sectionals performance, it was taken exactly after Rachel had finished "Don't Rain on My Parade" and we had all made our way to the stage. I didn't know what was it about that photo but I just couldn't find it in my heart to put it away, it just made me feel… I couldn't explain what it was exactly. It just made me feel.

Looking at that photo and seeing Rachel I couldn't help but to wonder, why did she stop her hand? Why did she pulled back?

"_Are you seriously asking that question? What did you expect? Really! After all that you've put her through, you actually expected her to do something?"_

And I remembered, all the slushies, the insults, the humiliations, and I realized how stupid had I been for even asking that question.

Sitting there looking at her in that photo, so proud of herself made me realize that, in a degree, I actually envied her, all the stuff I'd put her through, and still she managed to walk with her head held up high and that obnoxious smile on her face, like she didn't care rubbing it in everybody else's faces.

"_Why does she care? __**How **__can she care?"_

As I got into bed I couldn't help but to wonder what was Rachel thinking right now. Did she think I was weak? Did she think I was lame and pathetic? Would she say something tomorrow at school? God, I hope not… She _better_ not…

And I just fell asleep, thinking about Rachel and feeling unsure on how to deal with her now.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys! I hope you had a nice week. Sorry I hadn't updated, I have been sick all week and to be honest "**_**On my way" **_**made a freaking mess, but I got out of my funk and I wasn't going to let the week finish without and update and because I'm going to be away from the computer all weekend here's my update guys. I really hope you like it! Read and Review! Have a nice weekend everyone! XOX**

It was 6 am when Rachel woke up, as usual. She was an extremely morning person, she liked the way the sun slowly entered her bedroom, she liked the way Lima sounded in the morning, she even liked how Lima smelled in the morning, that fresh breeze of morning air announcing a new day for her to conquer.

She had always been extremely strict about her morning routine; she needed to start the day with the maximum amount of energy she could muster in her body in order to make the best out of every day. Exercise, a bath, balanced breakfast, intense oral cleansing, one last look at the full body mirror and she was ready to go to school. But not today. No. today was different, when her alarm went off she just got out of bed and right into the shower. She hadn't been able to get rid of the image of those gorgeous and broken hazel eyes since the day before, and they were all she could think about, no matter how hard she tried, they kept on returning to her, even as she took her bath, even as she looked at herself in the mirror, even as she did her make up, the kept on coming back to her, making her heart ache. Her heart was aching for the distraught girl who couldn't admit she was hurting. She was aching for that broken girl who had haunted her dreams all night.

She hurried out of her bedroom and into the kitchen to eat a quick breakfast, just some fruit and juice for her. Then onto the down stairs bathroom, where she kept a second toothbrush for the days she was late, to brush her teeth and catch one last quick glance at herself in the mirror. She kissed her daddies "Good bye" and "Have a good day" and got into her car, not really thinking what she was doing or where she was actually driving to. She just knew she wouldn't be able to function if she didn't get there soon.

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><p>I was having trouble sleeping that night. Not long after I fell asleep the first time I woke up with my heart racing like crazy, I was feeling a little dizzy because I had jumped up so quickly I was now sitting on my bed panting. It was 1:30 am and it didn't feel like I was going to be able to sleep anymore, or stay awake for that matter.<p>

I was used to insomnia by now, I don't think I'd gotten a full night's sleep in about a year or so. But this was different, I wasn't tired enough to sleep, but I didn't actually have the energy to stay awake. I was so physically exhausted but my mind just wouldn't stop!

"_Was Rachel gonna tell? … Would she try to talk to me? … What am I gonna wear tomorrow? … Is Rachel asleep? … Ugh probably Santana is going to just brag about the competition in front of me, how am I going to keep my self from punching her? … I don't wanna go to school tomorrow, I am too tired…. Would Rachel notice if skipped school? …. WHY AM I THINKING SO MUCH ABOUT BERRY! Why the hell did she have to be there! Why is she so freaking nosy!"_

And I snorted, I totally didn't mean it like that, but I couldn't help it that it was kinda funny, and rude…

"_Totally rude. Why didn't she do anything?... UGH! STOP IT FABRAY! SHE IS THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS! Get your fucking act together! AND SLEEP!"_

But… What if I didn't want to _get my act together_, I was so tired of pretending, of feeling empty. Of feeling forgotten.

And, once again, my mind betrayed me and I found myself thinking about her, reliving what had happened just a few hours earlier. I closed my eyes and I was suddenly there again, out in that field looking directly into Rachel's eyes, those big chocolate eyes and I could feel her looking right into my soul and it terrified me, I could just feel her tearing down my walls and into every single one of my secrets. I wanted to move but I couldn't I was like, hypnotized. I started walking towards her like I had before, trying hard to keep my bluff, to not let her in; I started feeling anxious and small with those eyes upon me. I was in front of her now, but she wouldn't move, so I walked around her, slowly, confused, not sure if I wanted to leave or I just wanted to stay and cry some more. And she moved her hand she made an attempt to hold mine, and God! For a moment I thought she would and all those emotions ran through me, hope, anger, shame, excitement, I was beyond confused!

But, as I started to walk away I felt it, and it was warm and reassuring, I looked down and there it was: her hand on mine, and she was tightening her grip. I couldn't believe it! I was in pure honest shock, I didn't actually remember when was the last time someone had actually touched me that way. Just pure warmth. I don't really know how long I just stood there, without knowing what to do, should I pull away? Should I turn around? … Could I just stay there forever?

"_Keep it together Fabray… Just, keep it together! Don't you cry! Don't you dare cry!"_

But I wanted to! I wanted to just cry and have her hold me!..

"_Wait, WHAT! You NEED to get out of here Fabray! Tell her to go away! Leave! Move! Shove her off… DO SOMETHING FABRAY!"_

I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I _had_ to. So I took my hand away from her and made my move to leave when I heard her, her sweet loud caring voice.

"Quinn. Wait!"

And I turned to look at her and felt the urge to break down, I felt the sting of tears in my eyes again and ran away. Crying.

And I woke up just like that, in tears, broken hearted and disappointed. I couldn't stop the tears from falling down and I couldn't even understand why the hell was I crying!

"_God Fabray! What has she done to you? Why couldn't you have been more careful and actually confirmed no one was watching you! Breathe Fabray! Just Breathe! Quinn Fabray NEVER loses it and you know it!"._

My alarm went off and I didn't even attempt to turn it off.

"_Get up! ...Fabray. NOW!"._

I rolled, literally rolled, off the bed and turned my phone alarm off.

7:00 am sharp.

I got into the bathroom and brushed my teeth while the water in the shower heated, and got in. Usually I'd put some music on my phone or just turn on the radio, but not today, I couldn't handle any more noise I had enough with my thoughts to actually add a freaking soundtrack to them because, we all know, life has always a soundtrack planned when you need it the least and I was in no mood to deal with that.

I got out of the shower and couldn't hear anything, so I confirmed my mother hadn't come home last night and, for a moment, I wondered where could she be and with who. But I quickly removed that thought from my mind because, well, if she didn't care why should I.

I looked at myself in the mirror and I was a mess, my eyes were swollen from the lack of real sleep and the tears, I looked pale and tired and sad. Thankfully I was a master at hiding whatever with make up and this wasn't going to be the exception. I dyed my hair and curled it, took a navy blue dress and a white cardigan and did my make up.

7:30

I was out of time for breakfast, but I wasn't really hungry anyway, I'd just get some yogurt from the fridge for free period before lunch just in case I got hungry and practically ran to the front door mentally checking I had everything I needed. Purse. Keys. Phone. Yogurt. Notebook.

Everything was in order, and I looked at my reflection once again, it didn't seem so broken now that I had covered the dark circles below my eyes and put a little color in my cheeks but there was still something in my eyes that gave everything away, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and mentally build my walls up once again. I opened my eyes and there! There it was, my HBIC eyes once again. It didn't feel right, but I was not ready to give it up just yet.

I walked out, locked the door and almost dropped my purse at what I saw in my front porch. Rachel Berry in her car just looking at me, her eyes showing a little bit of anxiety and… and… relief?

"_What the hell is doing HERE!"_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This one is a little bit longer. I apologize for the delay, work has just been a bitch lately. I really hope you like it! Please Review, it makes me happy when I get your reviews. Thanks, and enjoy.**

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><p>It took Rachel's brain a little while to catch up with what she was actually doing because her heart had made the decision the instant she woke up and her body had just followed without questions. It wasn't until she was actually three houses away from her destination that her brain finally caught up and she stopped her car abruptly and suddenly wondered if she was doing the right thing, if she was doing, well, the <em>safe<em> thing … for her sake.

She sat there for a couple of minutes, but deep inside she already knew she was doing the right thing. Rachel Berry didn't accustom to make decisions without thinking through all the possible outcomes, but she didn't to think this one, everything in her told her that it was the right choice because, well, when the heart takes the matter in its hands the mind has absolutely no say in it. And while it was confusing and she didn't quite understand why her heart was so set on this, she had no intentions at all to fight it, weird as it were Quinn had always been the closest thing she had to a real friendship, she knew she could always count on Quinn to be honest with her, brutally honest sometimes, but if there was one thing Rachel appreciated in a friend was honesty. It didn't even matter hat people didn't understand that, Rachel was not ready to lose her.

In that moment, Rachel took it upon herself to be there for Quinn, no matter what.

She arrived at Quinn's at 7:00 and turned her engine off at 7:02 and waited.

It was now 7:10 and Quinn hadn't come out yet, Rachel was staring at the front door and she was starting to feel anxious and her imagination started to get the best of her, she kept picturing all the worst case scenarios and she kept trying to shove them off, but she couldn't, she was worried sick and her heart kept speeding up inside her chest and her hands were getting all sweaty.

7:20. Where was Quinn? Why hadn't she come out yet? Was she even home? Did she even make it back home? Oh God…

"No! Stay calmed Rachel, she's just running a little late, certainly she must have overslept or set her alarm clock at an incorrect hour. She'll come out any second now, just wait a little bit longer. She'll come out soon enough." She said to herself out loud in an attempt to calm her nerves.

7:25 and Rachel was on the edge of her seat, one hand on the door ready to open it and walk up to the door and knock until someone came out, it didn't really matter who at this point, she just wanted to know where Quinn was.

7:30. Rachel's mind was on overdrive now and she couldn't wait another second enduring that uncertainty. And just as she was about to open her car door, she saw the house door open and she held her breath trying not to move, not one inch.

She saw Quinn walking out of the house and as a huge wave of relief ran through her she felt like running towards Quinn and hold her. She wanted to laugh, she wanted to cry. She was on overdrive. She looked up at the girl and it took Quinn a couple of seconds to acknowledge Rachel's presence in her front porch. They looked at each other for a few seconds and Rachel could see Quinn's eyes and what she saw made her heart ache. There was nothing in them, the same emotionless expression she had sadly gotten used to in Quinn. Thankfully, it didn't last. It was quickly followed by genuine surprise, then disbelief, then anger.

Rachel didn't quite understand the emotions going through Quinn in that moment, but she had made a promise and she planned on keeping in. She wanted to save Quinn, save her from herself….

Little did she know she was going to save herself too along the way.

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><p>I growled in frustration.<p>

"God! How stubborn can one person be!"

I couldn't understand what was Berry doing there, outside my house. What did she want? I had just gotten my emotions under the surface and there she was stirring them up again. It took me way too much time before I started walking.

"Ugh! You have got to be kidding me! This is so not happening! Not now!"

"_I can't deal with her! Not now, not today, probably not ever… I just have to get rid of her. But how! ….. Come on Fabray! Just do it! Sent her away! Yell at her, push her! Threaten her! You know what you have to do. JUST DO IT!... Before she messes you up again"._

This time I didn't have to try too hard to make my gaze intimidating, I was genuinely irritated so it was easy, and again she looked away from me when I stood right in front of her.

"What are you doing here!"

She didn't say anything, she didn't move, it was as if she didn't ever hear me. I could feel my heart racing, hell, I could even _hear_ my heart racing! At first when I saw her I felt it in my stomach, then in my chest and now it was like it was in my throat and ears beating right against them.

I was getting really angry now, I hated it when people ignored me.

"_You are Quinn Fabray dammit! NO ONE ignores you! Not even Berry, specially Berry. Who the hell does she think she is! Coming here and playing dumb only wasting your time."_

"I asked you a question Berry. ...HERE!"

The anger made my voice sound harsh, cold and distant, and I was eternally grateful for that because it made her snap out of whatever trace she was in and she finally looked at me, and this time she was genuinely scared of me, and for some strange reason it made my chest plunge but I ignored it and kept looking at her, angrily, threatening, intimidating her, waiting for an answer.

I could see in her eyes that she was trying to formulate the words but she was struggling and I was on the verge of just grabbing her by the arms and shake her. I couldn't take it anymore so before I started walking away I said with finality:

"Whatever Berry. I knew you were weird, but I never realized the immensity of your condition".

"_What the hell! Why did that feel so wrong!"_

And I heard her, in a soft whisper which I could almost like, _feel_ getting right through me.

"Quinn? Please stop."

And I froze; confusion came flooding over me all over again.

Did I want to stay? Did I want to leave? Did I just want her to speak again? Why did she have such a strong effect on me?

"_Make up you damn mind Fabray, you look stupid just standing here doing nothing!"_

And I with an exasperated breath I turned around and said in the bluntest tone I could muster;

"What! What do _you_ want Berry! Did you just come here to bother me about what you saw yesterday? 'Cause let metell you one very, _very _important thing okay? Yesterday NEVER happened, you will forget about what you saw and never, _ever_ talk about it with any one! Is it clear? If I ever find out you said something Berry, I promise you that life will get even harder for you at McKinley and you might want to consider transferring. AM I CLEAR!"

I didn't even realize I was now standing right in front of her, like if took one more step I would be standing on her shoes, literally. I was so upset that my breath was quick and my heartbeat had increased notoriously, I had my hands tightly pressed in fists as I tried with all my strength to not grab her and.. annd... hug her…

"_Wait! What the hell Fabray! You should want to punch her or push her or shove her, or just simply glare at her and insult her, not freaking hug her! Are you kidding me right now!"_

I saw her as she tried hard to keep the visual contact and noticed that she had backed away as much as she could and was now with her back on her car playing nervously with the border of her hideous sweater.

"You know Berry? For someone who talks all the time, it is surprising to find out that you can't do it when it is actually important… but I'll take it like you understood."

I looked at the time in my wrist watch 'cause I had no idea how long had we been standing there. 7:45.

"_Great! Now I'm late for class… Damn you Berry and your weirdness! ... Well, guess I'll just go somewhere for breakfast now, I am kinda hungry."_

I turned away from her and took two steps to my car when she did it, she grabbed my wrist but quickly dropped it, and I stopped breathing, even if for a second. I turned around with every intention to tell her off but I saw her and couldn't find the words, she looked so anxious and nervous and… and… it was sort of cute on her I guess, so I just stood there watching her, chin held up high and hands quickly in my hip, daring her to continue.

"I… I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean that I … I just came here to see if maybe you wanted a ride to school, we don't really live that far away from each other and it would also be good for the environment if we only used one car to go to school. Also I think it would provide us of a better opportunity to know each other and start a friendship type of relationship. I- I mean-… If- if that's what you wanted. I- I just."

She looked at me and trailed off. My hands were grabbing firmly at my hips, my eyebrow was raised, my jaw was tightly clenched and my breathing was shallow and fast and Rachel now appeared as if she regretted every single word that had just left her mouth and it kinda hurt.

I can imagine she thought that I was on the verge of pure rage, and that I was about to hurt her or tell her the most hurtful insult I could come up too. It was clear that she thought she had just made the worst mistake of her life by opening her mouth and was now waiting, anxiously like a little kid would do when they were caught doing something bad.

But that was not the reality at all. I was firmly gripping at my hips just to keep me from launching at her in an enormous hug and asking her to tell me that everything was going to be all right, my breath was quick and shallow because tears were just a few instant from forming in my eyes and I was trying hard to contain them. My eyebrow was raised in pure surprise and my jaw was clenched to keep me from saying anything, 'cause any word I tried to get out in that moment would've led to tears and I would've just broken down in front of her… no, not in front of her, I would've broken down in her arms. And that was just simply not acceptable.

I didn't know what to do anymore, all those feelings were crashing on me like a damn tsunami mixed with a tornado and an earthquake. The dam of my self control now had a little crack and I was doing everything in my power to keep it from extending and breaking it… me.

"_Fuck Fabray. What is going on with you! This is not acceptable and you know it! This is not how a Fabray acts! This is not what you are supposed to do, this is not cool Quinn Fabray! You could lose the small fraction of power you have left at that school! You cannot allow this to happen Fabray! Freaking control yourself! Turn around and leave! Do it now Fabray before you fuck things up for yourself like you always do!"_

I knew I _had_ to do it, I just knew all of that was true. I couldn't allow myself to be weak, specially not now, and not with Berry. She could ruin everything! … But, what if I wanted to? What if I wanted her to be there for me? What if I wanted her to give me a ride to school and back and just talk to her? What if I was tired of thinking new ways to insult her? What if… What if I wanted _her_ to pick up the broken pieces of me and help me put them back together?...

"_Good God Fabray! What is it about Berry that has you such on edge! She's just Rachel Berry. Glee Club. Overachiever. Anti Fashion. Loud, obnoxious, can't-keep-my-mouth-shut Rachel Berry. Just put her on place already and leave… or if you can't then just leave, walk away… you know very well how to do it…"_

What was it about Berry that brought me to that internal dilemma? What was it about her concerned brown eyes and warm expression that had my heart beating faster? … What was it about Berry that made me want to just open up to her?...

I didn't have the answer, I didn't know the answer, not yet at least. All I knew was I was not ready to let anyone in. I was not ready to be vulnerable to anyone. I was not ready to allow Rachel Berry to worry about me.

So I did what I did best… I faked emotions and walked away.

"Friends Berry? You and I, _friends!_ I know I haven't returned to my full status at McKinley yet, but that does not mean you have a reason to talk to me or pretend to care. So you can just stop your little act right here, right now because there is no chance at all that I will ever speak to you, not now, not when I return to the top of the ladder at school. You have no reason to be here or to pretend to care about me at all, because I couldn't care less about you. So I will say it once again. _THIS_ never happened. You and I. This conversation. Yesterday. None of it EVER happened. Clear? If you say one word Berry, just one…"

I couldn't finish my threat 'cause I had lost my breath entirely, looking at her deflate, just like she had taken a punch to the stomach and I just couldn't bring myself to finish it, so I just ended with;

"So NO Berry, I don't want you to give me a ride to school."

She looked at me, right in the eyes. A pleading look that made me go weak in the knees and she spoke to me softly and I could hear in her voice she was holding back on her emotions too.

"Quinn, I- I just. I just… You're not alone Quinn, and I just wanted you to know that."

She, loudly, choked back some tears and got into her car. I just stood there in a complete state of confusion and emotion overload, it was like an avalanche that was tearing me down. I heard her engine start and took a step to the side and out of her way as she drove away.

I just stared at the empty space in front of me trying to process what she had just said. When it finally sank in my system I muttered in a low voice

"What?... She… What!"

And I turned to see the direction she had drove to with her last words echoing inside of me.

_You are not alone Quinn, and I just wanted you to know that_.

What had just happened?

_You are not alone Quinn._

Could… Was it possible for that to be true?

Did she really mean it?

"_Well I'll be damned Fabray… You are fucked."_


	5. Author's Note

**Hey!**

** I apologize in advance for this is not an update! And I also apologize for I haven't updated in a while, real life's a drag and on top of it I have a cast on my right hand and won't be able to use it properly for at least a month so the updates are running a bit slow, but they will be up soon!**

**Sorry guys, I am really frustrated with all of this, I love you all for reading, adding the story to your alerts and favourites! I promise I am doing my best for all of you and will update as fast as my hand lets me type!**

**Thanks for your patience!**


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hi guys! I am so so sorry for the extremely long wait! I just got the cast removed and I have a couple more days off from work and will try to make it up to you. I hope this was worth the wait, it's a bit longer but, if I'm lucky, you'll like it! Thank you all for reading, subscribing, adding to favourites and reviewing, it means the world to me! So, here it is, I do hope you enjoy!**

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><p>Rachel drove away as quickly as she could, her heart beating frantically in her ears and her eyes were quickly invaded by tears.<p>

How could she have been so stupid? Just because Quinn wasn't mean to her anymore it didn't mean she wanted to be friends with her, why would she? Rachel then came to the conclusion that if she and Quinn hadn't already become friends, then it would never happen for them… and it hurt like hell. She didn't even know why it felt that way! It wasn't like she was losing Quinn because she never had her friendship to begin with but still it hurt.

Rachel had always hoped that they would find a way to each other, they would find a way to be friends, status-quo apart, but she was now beginning to feel desperate, and she had never felt that way in her whole life.

Why did her heart ache so much for Quinn Fabray?

The girl who had made her days even harder than they needed to be.

The girl who'd never even really spoken to her outside Glee Club.

The most intimidating girl at school.

The prettiest girl she'd ever met, with the saddest eyes.

Why her?

She turned her engine off in the school parking lot, it was 8:10 and she was late for her first class, which meant she had 80 more minutes until second period.

Her head was a mess, and the ache in her heart was not helping at all, so she went to the only place she could find peace at. She sat in the piano bench and let her fingers roam freely; hearing the echo of every note across the empty auditorium, closing her eyes hoping the music will help her get rid of all the mixed emotions she is feeling right now. But it didn't, she was too worried, too confused. She ached too much to focus on anything else.

She ached for the girl who would never let her in, no matter how much she needed someone by her side… no matter how they _both_ needed someone.

She continued to let her fingers roam on the keys until she found a slow rhythm that soothed her. It was slow and smooth, with lower keys only. It was calmed and not rushed at all. And while it made her heart ache less, it still was a little sad.

Rachel just kept playing the new discovered tune for what seemed to be hours. She was now lost in it, trying to memorize it, every note, every sound, every movement of her fingers on the piano keys. And as she got lost in the feeling her mind took her someplace else, and the melody became sadder and melancholic.

Why did her mind liked to play games with her? Why couldn't she understand that Quinn didn't want to be her friend? She had been trying for over a year, and she was still being pushed away, and it still hurt. Why was she so stubborn?

While she kept playing the tune with her eyes closed, her mind took her to Quinn's drive-way again, she could see her again. The anger, the sadness, the struggle. She could hear the words she had said again, and she felt the pain that came with them.

She remembered the fraction of second she held Quinn's wrist and how it felt, how Quinn jumped when they made contact and then the way she looked at her.

She remembered telling her she wasn't alone and the shock in Quinn's eye before she left….

And it just hit her. She had done it, just like everyone else had. She left Quinn alone.

"_Shit!"_

She didn't realize… she didn't mean to do it! But, everything was just so overwhelming!

Rachel knew she was seconds away from tears and Quinn didn't need to see her like that, so she left, leaving her there… broken and alone. Realizing that, she felt on the verge of tears again and she stopped playing taking both hands to her mouth trying to control herself.

She thought it would be a bad idea to cry in front of Quinn. Quinn needed someone to be strong for her, and so Rachel tried, but failed so she left. But, what if… what if Quinn just needed someone there with her, to cry with. Rachel tried to remember a single time she had seen Quinn cry and couldn't remember. Sure, she had seen her tear up but never cry.

Maybe she just didn't want to cry alone?

Rachel was so confused and frustrated with herself at that moment, she didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to approach Quinn, how to help her. And she couldn't talk to anyone about it. She had never been friends with Santana and Brittany, Quinn and Mercedes weren't really speaking anymore, Kurt had his own problems to deal with, Puck wouldn't be of any help (he'd probably suggest they should make out to _release the tension_ or something like that), and Finn was… well, Finn.

She looked at her watch and realized she still had a few minutes left and decided to go to her locker and pick up her books before everyone else left their classrooms. She hated to walk between the crowds in the halls, she felt like she was going upstream against the current and she didn't like it.

* * *

><p>I don't know how much time I actually stood there, letting Rachel's word sink in and feeling extremely confused.<p>

"_Get on the car already Fabray!"_

So I did, turned on the engine and drove away from the house and from the image of Rachel standing in my drive-way, I looked at my hand over the wheel and I saw the place where her hand made contact with my wrist trying not to remember the warmth of her skin, and failing miserably.

I was not hungry at all any more so I just drove to school, I knew I was late and it was going to be hard to find a parking spot near to the school entrance. My usual spot had probably already been taken, most likely by Santana, and parking far from the school entrance was a drag.

"_The loser zone Fabray. You're gone have to park in the loser zone now!"_

"Well, I guess it had to happen eventually."

I drove to the far end of the parking lot and turned off my engine. I had never really been there before, and I realized it was actually kinda nice, I could see every car from here, I could see everyone from here and they couldn't see me.

"_Perfect Fabray! You've been here 5 seconds and you're already thinking like a loser!"_

"I like it here".

The distance, the invisibility, it was sort of perfect (and a bit soothing really). Just being there, far from the insanity, without any pressure or stress.

And it that moment I wished I could make it last, the way the silence made me feel; calmed, peaceful, and able to breathe. I felt light and it was easy to breathe again, it was just me and there was no one to please. I felt a little warm inside, as if there was some sort of hope for the future, and for me. In that moment nothing else mattered, nothing else but me and the silence. And I wished it could last forever. I closed my eyes and wished, from the bottom of my heart, for those feelings to just stay. I wished for it like I had never wished for anything before.

But it was all in vain. As soon as I opened my eyes they were gone and there were other feelings instead, feelings I was used to by now.

I looked at the time and realize I had only 15 minutes until my next class started and it started, the anxiety, the stress, the tiredness, the … the fear.

"_Damn Fabray! Not again! Just breathe! You know how this goes. It's just a few hours, you __**can **__do it. You WILL do it!"_

"I _have to_."

A couple of students passed by my car, and my heart stopped, they didn't even look at me, and still, I felt judged.

"_Shit Fabray. Get it together!"_

I remembered the days when I had everyone on the palm of my hand, people would just move away whenever I walked down the hallways, everyone would do what I told them to do. I still remembered the feeling of power and control that came with the title "Head Cheerleader", and if the title wasn't enough the uniform would do it. With Santana on my right and Brittany on my left, I was unstoppable. No one was stupid enough to stand in my way, no one was confident enough to talk behind my back, no one was bold enough to go against what I said needed to be done.

I still remembered who I used to be, and even though it was all pretend, I would take it any day if it meant getting rid of what I was feeling then.

When did power turn to insecurity? When did confidence became anxiety? When did I start to actually be scared of walking down those wrecked halls!

What was the day when I started hiding from the girls who once called me _best friend_?

When did I start looking over my shoulder every day at school?

When the hell did I turn into this freaking scared pathetic little girl!

My heart was pounding against my chest again and a small buzz started in my ears. I was getting carried away with my emotions again, tears threatened to appear and I had trouble swallowing.

"_Damn it Fabray! Again! It's just another day at school. You know how it is! You can do it. YOU MUST! Man up Fabray! They can't realize you're the loser now!"_

"I know!"

I sighed.

"I know that."

I was the loser now, but no one else needed to know that. I had to power through it. I was Quinn Fabray God dammit! _The_ Quinn Fabray, and even if I didn't feel like her anymore, I still had a part to play, and I had to it flawlessly.

"Breathe… Just… Breathe."

I got out of the car looking around one last time and then headed towards the entry doors. Anxiety taking over me with every step I took and I just told myself what I needed to remember:

"_This is just another act Fabray, those halls are your scenario and you don't have to be the lead anymore. It's just another act, just another day, just another crowded hall with faces of people who couldn't care less. It's all just a game."_

That school was only a scenario, the first act of the rest of my life… even if sometimes it felt like it was going to be the only act my life was going to have.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I found myself right in front of the school doors, luckily the bell hadn't rang yet and the halls would still be empty. I looked at the time on my cell phone and realized I still had 5 minutes left for the next period. I took a deep breath and entered the school. It was do different to see it like this, halls empty, no noise, no shouts, no questioning looks, no pressure, just silence. Blessed silence that calmed my nerves.

3 minutes, I opened my locker and took out my science notebook. Not my favorite subject but the teacher was old enough to not really notice when you weren't paying attention so it was all right.

1 minute, I closed my locker and turned to make my way to the classroom and I saw her looking my way. Rachel.

"_Damn!"_

I had forgotten we had that period together. Could I skip it too?

"_Don't! She's already seen you and it would only look like you're running away from her. And a Fabray NEVER runs away from anyone!"_

Ugh! Sometimes I wished that that little voice of reason in my head would just shut up! But, that was the truth. A Fabray never runs away from anyone, everyone else runs away from a Fabray.

I tried to walk but my legs wouldn't respond, it was like suddenly they were glued to the floor but I wouldn't cave, I maintained eye contact… and soon realized it was probably not the best idea because, _"Fuck!"_, those big brown eyes were looking right at me just like they were yesterday at the football court. I could feel them looking right through me and I started to panic.

What was it about Rachel Berry that gave her that power over me?

My legs decided it was time to move, and they started moving directly to her. I heard the bell rang, and it snapped me back to reality. I stopped so suddenly that a couple of freshmen walking by me were startled for a second.

I stopped walking, but she didn't, she kept walking towards me and she was just a couple of steps away when a chill that went down my spine made me turn around.

"_Dammit!"_

"What's up preggers? How did you enjoy the show last night? Missing the Cheerios? 'Cause we sure ain't missing you!"

"_Shit. Say something Fabray!"_

But I couldn't, I was frozen and surprised. I knew it was coming and I had gone over a few possible replies, but now that Santana was right in front of me I just couldn't find the words, my sight was still focused on Rachel who was still looking at me. She looked worried and a little anxious too.

Why did she look like that? I couldn't understand it! Why did it seem like she cared?

I couldn't concentrate on what was happening, I couldn't formulate a complete sentence. I surely looked like an idiot! And with Santana in front of me, provoking me, taunting me. I forced my eyes away from Rachel's and right into Santana's, hopefully I could harden them enough to make her leave without actually having to say a word. She looked at me and scoffed.

"Whatever. Britt! Let's go!"

"Bye Quinn. I did miss you yesterday."

Brittany smiled at me for a couple of seconds before Santana dragged her away and down the hall.

There was a small warmth that had formed inside of me thanks to Brittany's words, truth be told, I did miss her too, she'd always been so nice and sweet, to everyone, not just me but still. I missed her random comments and her sudden outbursts of wisdom. She always helped, even if she did not know it. I probably should've told her that more often.

A pair of brown eyes were now in front of me, almost invading my personal space, I didn't notice when she got so close because I was too busy seeing Britt and Santana disappear in the crowd, they had English next and the classroom was a little far from where we were so they had to hurry.

I noticed Rachel was hesitating on her actions and it frustrated me! I was not monster! I was not going to bite her, or murder her or anything! Was she going to do something or not? Was she going to say something or not!

She looked like she wanted to hug me or something.

"_Great! Now Berry thinks you're weak and needy! Good Job Fabray!"_

I was now really angry because that was probably true. How dared she!

"Quinn, are.. are you-"

The second bell rang cutting her off and announcing the next class was about to begin.

She tried again.

"Quinn, would you- do you want to- I mean, I don't think my lab partner came today so-"

"Stop stuttering Berry! God! You're so exasperating!"

I looked at her once again, right in the eyes with new found energy.

"What do you want? We're gonna be late again because of you."

She cleared her throat and I saw courage build up inside of her.

"My lab partner, I don't think he's at school. Do you want to be lab partners for today?"

Her eyes immediately started to glisten and little hope could be seen there. It was a little bit contagious and something inside of me felt weird.

"Quinn?"

_Yes!_

"_No! You're not anyone's pity project!"_

"Do you?"

_Yes!_

"_No! Don't Fabray!"_

I shook my head.

"No."

"Oh… Why not?"

_I'm not anyone's pity project!_

"Just no!"

I entered the classroom and sat at my usual bench, heart racing fast and hard against my chest and ears, and she entered two seconds after me and I noticed she was really sitting alone and my heart ached.

I sighed, picked up my stuff and moved a couple of tables forward in order to sit next to her, the teacher didn't even notice, she was too busy looking for something inside her purse to notice.

"_What the hell Fabray? A day and she has completely messed you up. Now everyone will think you're so desperate that you are now hanging around Rachel Berry!"_

An almost whispered _Thank you_ left Rachel's mouth and a small shy smile appeared on her face. And I felt weird, but not necessarily in a bad way.


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey! I am trying to juggle both my fics so that neither of them have too much time between updates. I actually had a bit of a hard time with this one, I didn't know if everything in it would work or if you'd like it. But I couldn't write it any other way so, here it is! I promise everything (and everyone) has a reason. So. Here it is! I hope you guys like it! PLEASE R&R!**

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><p>They sat together all class in silence, in a comfortable silence, and Rachel couldn't remember a time when she had felt so nervous yet secure at the same time. She had already prepared herself for yet another class sitting alone, but Quinn came through confirming that she was not hated and that gave her enough conviction to continue her pursuit for a relationship.<p>

The teacher gave them a team assignment that was due in a week, and since they sat together they had to do it together. Rachel couldn't help herself, she was really excited, but she wondered how Quinn felt about it…

"So Quinn, for this project I was thinking we could meet Thursday to-"

"I haven't said I am doing it with you".

"But, you must!"

"No, I don't. I don't have to do anything! It was just one class, we both have our partners and we should do it with them".

"Quinn, I imagine you wouldn't want me to come over to your house to do the assignment so-"

"It's not that I don't want you in my house. I uhm.. I just think it's not the best idea to do it … together…"

"I'm sorry but I have to insist. We both already know what the assignment is about; therefore we wouldn't waste time in explaining again to someone else. It's more practical that we do the assignment together, I will not bother you again once it is done if that is what you want".

Rachel was set on this, it was her opportunity and she could already see Quinn running out of excuses so she pressed harder.

"We could do it at my house and no one would need to know. Besides I do prefer a familiar environment, my internet connection has the proper speed and it can support both our laptops and also my room has the desk strategically set to maximize the day light and also the lamp at night. And my dads won't interrupt us knowing we have work to do, they may even provide dinner, if you should get hungry at all. So, as you can see it is the perfect environment."

Rachel was doing her best to not seem as hopeful and excited as she felt, but she could see Quinn was still hesitant. She hadn't looked at Rachel during the whole speech, she was twitching her hands in a nervous tick and was biting her lip, as if she was trying to hold back the words that were about to escape her.

"And as I said Quinn, no one needs to know if you don't want to. We can always say we split the job and did it on separate ways."

"_Or we could just do that"._ Rachel thought the moment she finished that sentence.

"Or we could just do that" Quinn said so low it was almost a whisper.

Rachel was somewhere surprised and disappointed. She knew Quinn was going to be difficult about that and that was disappointing to her because she could swear she thought Quinn was going to agree, and she really regretting saying that last sentence. But she was surprised that the girl had said her exact thoughts.

Both girls left the classroom when the bell rang, and headed to their own lockers to retrieve the notebooks for their next period, well, at least Rachel did; Quinn had a free period so she just left her Lab notebook and took out the book she was reading at the time _Oliver Twist_.

"Quinn, I must insist that we do the project together. I have told you all the reasons I have to make me think this is the most practical-"

"Decision. Yeah, I heard you. I just don't ..."

Quinn trailed off and it was evident that she was now focused somewhere else, and Rachel turned to see what was she looking at. She found Santana a few lockers away looking at them, chin high (it was the equivalent of Quinn's lifted eyebrow, their HBIC trademark) and an unreadable look on her eyes. She was with Brittany and a couple of Cheerios and they all looked at them and their attitude changed from shocked to amused as they started talking, evidently about them. Rachel felt a chill down her spine, she didn't know what was going on but in her experience it was never a good sign when Cheerleaders started talking about her. And she heard Quinn sigh beside her.

"I just can't. Maybe we should just divide the project okay? That way neither of us will waste time explaining to anyone else. And besides, that was also your idea".

Rachel saw Quinn close her locker and start to walk away, and her heart was beating fast with what appeared to be a glimpse of desperation. Quinn was walking away and she hadn't gotten the girl's confirmation for the project. She needed to do something, fast.

"Quinn wait! Please!"

Quinn stopped but didn't turn to look at her, and Rachel could see the way Quinn's shoulder were rising and dropping and she knew Quinn was just taking deep breathes. Rachel recalled seeing her do that on a couple of occasions when someone was getting on her last nerve and she was trying to calm down, and suddenly she didn't feel as confident or secure anymore. But she had to convince Quinn, she needed to… So she approached Quinn, slowly…

"Just think about it please Quinn. We still have a couple of days to organize our schedules".

Quinn still wouldn't look at her and Rachel took it as a clue to leave. She had just given a step away from Quinn when she heard her exhale and call her name and she felt a jolt of joy; Quinn had changed her mind!

"Rachel I-"

Before she could turn around, Rachel felt the blow, one she was sadly too familiar with, ice that took the air out of her lungs, paint that made her eyes burn and a cold mixture of anger, sadness and humiliation.

When she could open her eyes she turned to look at the girl who was just a step away from her and she could see she was visibly shaking, her hands closed in fists and her breath quick and shallow.

"_Oh God no… They got her… No, no, no, no…"_

Even though her own emotions were overwhelming, Rachel was used to it by now, but Quinn wasn't, and she instantly worried about her, Quinn was on the verge of exploding, and this might just push her to the edge. And Rachel feared the direction that Quinn might take from here.

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><p>"<em>What the…. Shit… WHAT THE HELL!"<em>

I could feel the freezing drink sliding down my face, my neck, my chest. I could feel it dripping from my nose. I didn't have any air in my lungs for a couple of seconds.

"_DAMMIT FABRAY! SEE WHAT HAPPENS! A SLUSHIE! A FREAKING SLUSHIE!"_

"No, no, no. This is not happening!"

I couldn't believe it. Me. Quinn Fabray had gotten slushied.

I knew I wasn't that popular anymore, but I never thought I was slushie material. Something was off, if I really was slushie material it should've started since day one. I knew how the Cheerios methods took place. They never made anyone wait, if you were to be slushied it was going to happen since the moment you set foot on the school.

"_Rachel Berry. She seems to be the reason of all your problems, doesn't she?"_

That mockery tone in my head angered me because I knew it was because of Rachel. I knew it was because she was the most targeted person of the school, and I also knew I was the one to blame for that. I knew it wasn't exactly _her_ fault. I knew she didn't mean for it to happen.

I knew all of this, but I still couldn't stop that fury from rising up from my stomach clouding my mind. I was shaking, a mixture of shock, cold and rage. My hands were tightly pressed in fists and couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. I needed to calm down, I couldn't make a scene, I knew that's what _they_ were waiting for, but most of all I needed to calm down because of Rachel, I didn't want to take it out on her. And just as if I had just gave her a cue she freaking spoke.

"Quinn?"

"_SHUT UP! Just shut up!"_

"Quinn, are you okay?"

"_Damn you Berry! Just be quiet for a second will you!"_

"Shut up, shut up, shut up".

Was all I could say, I didn't say it too loud, it was for no one to hear but me. I just needed her to shut up.

"_Breathe Fabray, just breathe!"_

But I couldn't. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't react, I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't stop the anger from flowing in my veins. I couldn't even remember the last time I had been so angry!

I could feel the drink still sliding down my face and neck and it wasn't freezing anymore, it felt hot, and I couldn't hear anything anymore other than the sound of my heart beating hard against my ears, I felt like yelling and hitting people so I was holding my breathe to keep me from saying something. I had to get out of there, and soon, or otherwise things were going to come down badly

The burning in my eyes had stopped but I still did not want to open them, all I had to do was breathe. I already felt everyone's eyes on us, I could even see the smile on Santana's face and it was eating me up! I could hear the muffled laughter of the Cheerios. I could feel I was about to lose control and I had to do everything I could to stop that from happening. With my eyes still closed I took a couple of steps backwards just trying to get away from _her_.

One, two, three, four.

Four steps and it all went to hell, I crashed into someone and I snapped my eyes open.

"_Fuck"._

I turned around and there he was. Karofsky.

Freaking Dave Karofsky, with a cocky smile and an empty cup in his hand.

"_That bastard!"_

I felt another shiver coming down my spine and a new wave of anger rushing through my body. Any other emotion other than rage was entirely gone, I could feel my blood boiling and I could practically hear my rationality shutting down.

This was going to end badly.

"So what does being a _loser_ taste like Fabray?"

He high-fived another football player that was holding another empty cup and walked away.

My mind was entirely blank, I couldn't process any thought any more, and there was only one word in my head, an eco torturing me.

"_A loser… A loser…"_

Reminding me of everything I had lost, everything I was once and now ceased to be.

"_A loser Fabray."_

No, I was far too gone by now. All control was lost and I was just standing there, covered in slushie, called a loser by the people who once feared and respected me. I was stuck to the ground, unable to move, unable to think, feeling as the emptiness inside me was replaced by something so much stronger, so much burning than anything else I had felt in a while.

And then, she did it. The one thing she should've never done. She did it and I lost it.

"Quinn…"

It was barely a whisper, only meant for my ears but I still felt it drilling through and into my brain. Her voice, the one that seemed so soothing earlier was now making its way through my system, just as if she had yelled at the top of her lungs.

And then I felt her hand on my shoulder, a touch that seemed so gentle that same morning was now burning my skin. The touch that, for a moment, I thought could bring me to life was now pushing me to the edge. And edge I had tried to avoid for so long.

All it took was a moment, a simple event, a simple touch, a whisper… that was all it took to break me.

I knew how ridiculous I surely looked covered in slushie, but I didn't care anymore the clock on my time bomb had ended and there was no stopping it.

I quickly moved to make her stop touching me and she looked at me with a troubled expression. I looked at her, right in the eye letting all my anger show in one deep gaze and I could see how those big brown eyes that had been showing me nothing but kindness were now full of fear, a fear I knew very well.

"Don't! Don't touch me _Berry_".

I said it with such hardness, with so much anger than she took a couple of steps back. I could see the fear and the hurt in her eyes, and that made me even angrier.

"This is _your_ fault! Everything was okay, until _you_ decided to show up and mess with everything!"

"Quinn I never wanted –"

"I said shut up! See! You showed up at my door making me believe for a moment that you actually cared! And then you tricked me into sitting with you out of _pity_. Yes Berry, _pity_. And now everyone seems to think I became a loser… Like you! But let me tell you that it all ends today. I will not let this happen again. Not to me! So stay away from me! And don't ever touch me again".

I didn't scream, I didn't yell at her but I didn't need to, I had come to learn how to use my voice to hurt people. I didn't even need to touch them or scream at anyone anymore and she was not the exception.

After I had finished speaking I looked at her once more and I could see the tears in her eyes and it gave a sense of satisfaction I completely despised. I didn't want to be that person anymore and I regretted it the moment I saw the expression of her eyes, but what was done couldn't be undone and there was nothing else I could do other than leave. Leave her there, covered in slushie, humiliated and heart-broken. And that knowledge broke me in two and I ran, I ran until I crashed into my car, I wanted nothing more than to go home and disappear and I couldn't even do that. My mother was surely home by now and there was no way I would walk into that house so that she could see me like this.

I felt someone behind me and when I turned around I saw Santana holding a duffel bag, I couldn't see her expression because she was not looking at me and I didn't understand what did she want now?

"What Santana? Come to relish on your doing? Congratulations! You finally got what you wanted! You finally got to kick me while I was down? Was it as sweet as you always imagined it would be?"

I was mildly surprised by the bitterness in my voice, I wanted to sound sarcastic and unaffected. But apparently I couldn't. I was just bitter and angry and as much as I tried I couldn't hide it anymore.

"Here. These are yours anyway. I didn't… I didn't want them hanging around in my house anymore. Get yourself cleaned".

She said it calmly but she never looked at me in the eyes.

"As if you cared… This, is all you".

I said it as I moved my hands up and down at my own body, I wanted to cry at the sight but I wouldn't, not in front of Santana, not when she did this.

She put the bag on the ground, turned around and started to walk away, never looking at me.

"I don't need you to pity me Santana. If you want to try and tear me down do it! But don't turn around and act like you regret it. I don't fucking need your pity!"

I was yelling at her, I was yelling because she was too far to hear me and I was yelling because I couldn't stop myself anymore. But she never turned around and I felt like a real loser, ignored. And what was worse, I didn't have any other choice than to take the clothes and put them on so I remembered a shortcut to the girls locker room and made my way as quickly as I could, hoping I wouldn't bump into anyone. I was aware that every single person on the school now knew about what had happen, and I didn't want any of the looks.

I got to the showers and got the hot water running as I stepped out of my clothes, there was a towel in the bag, a towel that wasn't mine, and I took it out and got in the water. The water was burning and there was a sting on my shoulders and my back because of the temperature but I was just relieved that I could feel it. My anger was wearing out and I found myself slipping into the same numb limbo as before, only I was sinking lower than before.

There is always a defining moment in life when you know you can't sink anymore than you already have, and for me this was it. I had lost everything, my daughter, my family, my friends, the cheerios, the respect… everything.

And I thought of her.

I was furious, but I was also scared. I knew once I started there was no turning back, there was no stopping me and I realized I wanted to lose control… But… I didn't want to hurt _her_.

I made sure to get all the slushie out of my hair, face and neck. It was not easy, to do because of all the stickiness. It seemed like I wouldn't be able to get it all out of my hair, I was getting frustrated and before I realized it I started to cry. Tears would just stream out of my eyes and I couldn't stop them. I was not prepared for all the emotions to run through my body like that, I had spent the last year trying to hide them… I actually had tried to hide them for most of my life, and now in less than 24 hours many of those emotions made their way through me. I was exhausted and I didn't want to think anymore. My heart was beating rapidly and it hurt, everything hurt.

I put the clothes on and when I looked at my stained clothes I felt like crying and yelling all over again. It wasn't about the clothes, but what the stains represented. I couldn't wear them anymore, not even if I got the stains off, so I just threw them away, I wouldn't miss them and my mother wouldn't notice.

I sat on one of the benches and considered returning to school, I knew it would be worse if I didn't, but I couldn't make myself work inside. I got in my car and decided to just drive around for a little while.

I drove around the school, in front of the Lima Bean, my house, Santana's, Brittany's, Breadstixx, Puck's, Finn and Kurt's, my old church. I drove around everywhere, trying to find a place that still felt like home, a place I could still feel welcome at. But I couldn't, I couldn't feel that way anywhere.

I passed by Rachel's home, half expecting her car to be there, but it wasn't.

"How does she do it? How can she still walk into that school everyday, and remain there?"

I found myself envying her, wanting to have her courage, her strength, her security.

"_How twisted is that huh Fabray? That you should envy her? How messed up can you be that you want to be somewhat like her, like Rachel Berry?"_

It was pretty messed up actually, just like I was. That Rachel had something I wanted. Who would've guessed?

"Shit! The science assignment!"

I had completely forgotten. What was I going to do about that? A part of me really did not want to do it with her, but somehow I knew I owed her, for everything and for today.

But, how could I? We only sat together in a class and I'd already gotten slushied! I was scared, and confused. What was I supposed to do?

Would she be worth it? She had every reason to leave me, she had every reason to hate me. What if I had finally got her to hate meafter what I said to her? I didn't really mean any of it! I was just, so angry and she was there. She never really stood a chance.

I never gave her a chance.

Why should I now?

Would she take it?

I headed to my house with my mind troubled once again because of her and my endless efforts to keep her away.

When I finally arrived I noticed that my mother's car wasn't there, which meant she wasn't either. I wasn't in the mood of being alone so I changed into sweatpants, sweatshirt and snickers, but I had no intention of going back to the school to run in the track. I would just run around town letting my feet take the lead. I turned my iPod on, set it on shuffle and started running.

There was too much noise inside my head, and too many emotions inside my heart.

I needed out of both of them.


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello guys! This is a Quinn chapter, her run, thoughts. I hope it does not disappoint. Also, I was thinking about adding a bit of Santana's POV for the next couple of chapters, like I've been doing with Rachel's…**

**Anyway, thanks for sticking around, and reading, and reviewing, and subscribing! You guys are amazing!**

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><p>I started to run without thinking where I was going, I just needed to get away from everything and running always did the trick for me. I had my iPod on shuffle, but I wasn't really listening to the music, as much as I was trying to get away from my own thoughts they always seemed to find a way to catch up with me.<p>

I didn't understand what happened, how could one day change everything, how that series of little events managed to get through me this easily. Maybe I was just tired of pretending.

"_If there ever is an award for mastering the art of Pretending, you'd definitely win it Fabray!"_

I know that is true, after many years I had finally perfected the art of pretending, pretending I don't care, pretending to smile, pretending to like people, pretending that I'm not tired… pretending that it doesn't hurt. And apparently I was so good I almost fooled myself into believing all of it… _almost_.

I had now run at least a couple of blocks, Lima was a small town but right now it felt like a freaking huge city. It was like one of those nightmares where you run and run but never get anywhere, when you're running as fast as you can but your feet are heavy, or you're screaming at the top of your lungs but no sound is coming out.

Yeah that's how I was feeling. Trapped. And I needed to run faster, to run far away. I needed to get out of my own skin.

I started to run faster, trying to shake the feeling of being trapped, off. But it was not happening. No matter how fast I ran, all the images of what had happened today kept on playing in my mind, over and over again. All the laughter, all the looks, all the voices, all the faces… every sinlge one haunting me, taunting me. My lungs and throat were burning, the air was a bit chilly and I was hot on anger and shame and because I had been running for little more than hour, I could already feel my knees giving in when a specific face popped into my head, a face which gave me the push I needed, if only to have someone to discharge all my anger with.

_Santana_.

Santana Lopez, what great excuse of a best friend I found. Somehow I always knew that when it came down to who would get to be HBIC, she'd find a way to steal it, I was always prepared for that... but this? No, never.

I never thought she'd actually kick me while I was down. Out of all the people I had ever called _friends_ Santana was the only one I actually believed to be one, well Brittany too of course but the girl doesn't have a mean bone in her body, Santana was the one who knew me best, we always understood each other, we knew how the other's mind worked and we knew the "struggle for power" in highschool was just something that was bound to happen and didn't really considered it as a motive to stop being friends.

But this?

No.

Slushie me?

Never.

I wasn't thinking straight and I was running as fast as I could, now with a motive, now with a target.

"_Great Fabray! What are you gonna do? Go to her house and yell at her from outside? Make even more of a spectacle of yourself than you already have?"_

I didn't care, I knew Santana's parents were not there right now and they wouldn't even know. I had already been humiliated, and by her nonetheless! What did I care if the neighbors heard me yelling at her? Heck, she deserved it! She had it coming since the moment the thought came into her mind! She asked for it! She… She…

I sighed and shook my head, who was I trying to fool? It wasn't about Santana… It was about me. _I_ needed it. I needed an excuse to lose it and just yell, and Santana gave me the perfect opening; which I had no intension to waste.

I finally got to the Lopez's home. My knees were shaking and I was amazed that I was still able to stand up. My lungs felt like they were on fire, but I still managed to get enough breath to shout out her name.

"SANTANA!"

Santana's car was not there, I growled in frustration and kicked myself internally because she would obviously not be there. Cheerios practice. She was now captain and she would be the last to leave.

"_Fantastic Fabray! Just great! What better way to make even more of a fool of yourself than yelling to a freaking empty house huh! What if Santana's parents were here? Or what if they arrived just now? What the hell would you do then Fabray! Hell, what would you do if Santana was actually here? Just yell at her for everyone to see? And then what? Cry? What the hell kind of a Fabray are you!"_

I felt like crying, I felt like just throwing myself on the lawn and never getting up. I couldn't breathe; partly because of all the running I had just done and partly because of everything building up inside of me.

"Dammit!"

Was all I was able to mutter under my breath, it was just a whisper but it was the best I could do. I wouldn't cry and I knew that anything louder than a whisper would make the tears fall.

I needed to keep moving, I needed to gather all the strength I had left and run away from there before anyone saw me there. But I couldn't, I couldn't move, or breathe or think. My feet felt like steel, heavy, unyielding, and unmoving. My heart was beating so rapidly that I felt I was having a heart attack and I was just bent over my knees panting, trying to recover.

_What the hell kind of a Fabray are you!_

The truth is I didn't even know anymore what kind of anything I was. I started to feel lightheaded and a small rush of panic went through me, was I about to faint? I needed to control my breahing!

"Breathe… Just… Just breathe…"

"_Calm yourself down Fabray!"_

I was suddenly tired, I knew I was still on Santana's lawn and needed to get out but, I didn't have strength left.

"What's wrong with me?"

_You are the disappointment here._

I froze.

I knew that voice with not a single doubt on my mind and I was suddenly scared.

_You are the disappointment here._

Why was it coming back to haunt me now?

"_Well, you did ask a question didn't you?"_

"No, no, no, no. Stop!"

I knew this feeling. I knew this pain in my chest. I was familiar with it, a reflex from when my father lived with us. Feeling like this was the last thing I needed right now.

_What the hell kind of a Fabray are you!_

_You are the disappointment here._

_I'm disappointed in you Q._

_Loser!_

_What's up preggers?_

"Stop! Just Stop!"

I wasn't really yelling, I was pleading, just whispering my pleads into the air. I was tired of feeling like this. I was tired of that feeling tearing me down every day. I thought that if I just stopped pretending at school it would just go away, but it didn't, it was still there finding new ways of making me tear myself down.

But not anymore, I couldn't take it. I wasn't strong enough to deal with it all…

I just wanted to cry and sink into the ground… But that's not what Fabray's do. They hold their chin up high and walk on pretending everything's all right because maybe if you didn't talk about it then it didn't exist.

I felt a tear streaming down my face and I boosted up. I started running harder and faster than before.

I was a disappointment, a disgrace, I was weak, and I was letting my emotions get the best of me. I was doing exactly what I had spent most of my life trying not to do… And I couldn't care less.

The truth is, I was tired. I was exhausted. I didn't know what would break first, my heart or my legs, but I couldn't stop. I had to keep going. If I stopped I would just stay wherever I was and I didn't know if I was going to be able to get up.

I just kept on running, aimlessly once again, with no idea of where to go or where I was, every freaking street looked the same, every house looked the same.

I didn't know where the energy was coming from, I couldn't feel my legs and my lungs were about to collapse. I was covered in sweat and I was extremely heated… but somehow I couldn't stop shaking. I just wanted this feeling to go away, I needed to shake it, I needed to get away from it… I had already cracked and I wasn't going to be able to hold much longer.

I suddenly came to a complete halt when I recognized the street I was in.

I don't know what was it that made me recognize it. I had only been on that street a couple of times, but the moment I turned around the corner I just halted.

I needed to catch my breath before I passed out. I was exhausted, I was drained and I was moving in autopilot.

Somehow I knew exactly where I was going, but my brain was not able to process anything, I was numb, I was very much like a zombie. I couldn't feel my legs anymore and I knew I was still breathing because my lungs hurt whenever I inhaled. I didn't even know if my heart was still beating.

I saw some steps and I sat on them, staring at the ground beneath me with not a single thought in my head, all the noise had gone away and with it, it took the rest of my sensations. I just sat there staring at the ground, at my feet, at my hands, unable to move, unable to feel.

I don't know how much time I sat there, something was playing on my iPod (which I completely forgot I had on me), but I couldn't understand a word! So I just turned it off in time to hear a car pulling over in front of me and an engine shutting down. But I still couldn't raise my head.

I heard a muffled voice, a voice I knew by heart, and it sounded like it was saying my name. I felt something stir inside of me. I felt her sitting down next to me and again I heard the muffled voice, something like

"Are you okay?"

Or

"Why are you shaking?"

I couldn't really be sure, but then I heard her say my name again and I was finally able to look up and meet those immense chocolate eyes with my own and I was able to feel my heart beating once again.

She asked once again if I was okay and I just nodded, never taking my eyes of off her, she looked so worried I actually believed she was.

She put her hand on my arm and she gasped at how cold I was, the air was even chillier than before and I was no longer hot from the run nor did I have any adrenaline left.

"Are you sure you're okay Quinn?"

I nodded again, a small smile on my lips thanks to that voice. Her eyes changed from worried to confused.

"Why are you here Quinn? And how long have you been sitting here?"

I just looked at her, I was having trouble processing the words she just said, I was just too tired. But I knew I had to make an effort and answer her. I took a deep breath.

"I just needed to run and ended up here. I… I'm not really sure how long I have been here, I was just really tired. I'm sorry".

I knew I should get up and leave but I couldn't, apparently my legs had a mind of their own today. All I could do was sit there, and look into those eyes as they shifted through emotions. Trying to figure out what she was thinking. Trying to formulate words. But I still couldn't.

"Come on Quinn. I'll take you to your house. It's quite chilly out here, and you don't look like you will be able to walk back."

She helped pull me up, and as soon as I was standing up a switch in my brain was turned on.

"Rachel I…"

I needed to apologize, but I didn't know how. A Fabray never apologizes!

Would a simple "I'm Sorry" work?

She was looking at me, waiting for me to say something but I was just standing there with my mouth half open. She sighed and started making her way to her car.

"I'm sorry Rach"

She stopped and turned around to meet me. I could see she was still hesitant, but there still was a small spark of hope in her eyes which gave me strength to carry on. I took a step forward to meet her so she would be looking at my eyes while I spoke.

"I'm sorry for leaving you there. Is tomorrow after school okay for you?"

I instantly knew I had said the right thing because as her eyes shone and her smile reached them, I felt everything again… and all my exhaustion really sunk in.

"Yes Quinn. Tomorrow is perfect!"

I chuckled at her excitement, and realized it actually hurt to do so.

"Great! But, I will have to take you up on you offer to take me home. I don't think I'll make it by foot."

I sent her a small tired smile, and she just nodded, taking me by the arm and guiding me to her car.

As soon as I got it I felt sleep trying to take over me, it was so warm and comfortable in there that I just wanted to stay there. I suspected my house would be empty still, and not nearly as warm as Rachel's car. But at that moment I was just relieved I could still feel it.

She got inside, turned her engine on and started driving towards my house, a smile on her lips for the promise of tomorrow.

Looking at her a thought crossed my mind, a thought that gave me a promise for tomorrow:

"_Funny how life works sometimes. How if you have your mind on overdrive and just let everything else take over you'll always end up in the right place."_


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N: Guys I am so sorry for the late update! Between work and my sister visiting I have been out of time. There are a lot of things I wanted to put into this chapter and I didn't want it to be rushed. **

**Finally I decided to do a Santana POV in this one, the way I've been doing with Rachel, hoping you will like it. I tried to decide against it but it just felt right.**

**Again I apologize for the delay, and here's to hoping the wait was worth it!**

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><p>Santana woke up a little later that usual, staying up in the phone talking to Brittany had taken longer than she expected and she didn't really get a long night sleep.<p>

As soon as she woke up she jumped into the shower, quickly changed into the Cheerios outfit, put her hair up in a ponytail and hurried down stairs to find her mom waiting for her in the kitchen with a pair of toasts and three lunch bags; one for her, one for Brittany and one for Quinn. She couldn't help the shaky breath that came out at the sight, she hadn't told her mom she and Quinn were no longer speaking and she didn't have the heart for it, her mom really loved all three of them as daughters and she would be extremely sad to find out they had drifted apart.

"Is every thing okay baby girl?"

She lifted her head up, she hadn't realized her exhalation had been loud and that she had been staring at the three bags for almost a minute.

"Yeah, just tired. Brittany and I were talking late into the night again".

A smiled formed in Santana's face; no matter how sad she might be, Brittany could always make her smile. She gave a small kiss to her mom and hurried outside with the lunch bags, she was running a little late and she needed to pick Brittany up too. She placed the lunch bags in the backseat trying not to look at them, avoiding the memories of who they used to be.

She arrived at the Pierce's house and as soon as they saw each other Brittany ran to get in the car. They met each other with a smile, a hug and their hands found each other, like they always did. Santana never smiled brighter than when she was with Brittany, well in fact those were the only times she actually smiled; ever since Quinn left them she felt like there was something missing, and by looking at the girl beside her she knew she felt it too.

Arriving at the school parking lot she noticed Quinn's spot was still empty and, for a moment, she felt sad, until she saw Brittany deflate and she saw that small pout forming and then she felt angry.

Where the hell was Quinn? Why was she still doing this?

She was aware that she hadn't been the best of friends, or the most supportive one and probably she deserved a little bit of the silent treatment, but Brittany? She turned to see those bright blue eyes shinning with a little bit of sadness and another bit of disappointment and she felt another wave of anger. No. Brittany didn't deserve this, she had been nothing but an excellent friend to Quinn and she didn't deserve this from her.

She parked in Quinn's spot, took hers and Brittany's lunch bags and got out turning around to open Brittany's door.

"Come on Britt, class is about to start"

She took her hand and helped out of the car, and she saw now a bit of confusion in those eyes.

"But, San… This is Quinn's spot! Is she not coming to school today?"

"I don't know Britt, but its best if we save it for her, so if she comes later we'll move the car okay? Now let's get to class".

Quinn didn't show up for first period and Santana couldn't decide if she was angry or worried. The ring marking the end of first period rang and Santana walked out the classroom holding hands with Brittany, she was talking about something Lord Tubbington had done and Santana was about to laugh when she saw her, Quinn Fabray walking towards to…

No, it couldn't be! ... Quinn hadn't been speaking to them but she was hanging out with…

_Rachel Berry!?_

Santana was positively fuming and somewhat jealous though she wouldn't dare to admit it; and the fact that Brittany squeezed her hand harder when they saw her made her even angrier.

Quinn did _not_ deserve her excitement! So she marched up to the girl and was satisfied when Quinn turned around before she even spoke, apparently her HBIC attitude was on full effect.

"What's up preggers? How did you enjoy the show last night? Missing the Cheerios? 'Cause we sure ain't missing you!"

She knew that _preggers_ was a low blow, Quinn had a hard time while being pregnant and later when she decided to give up her baby, Beth, and Santana felt slightly guilty about calling her that but her anger was stronger at that moment. But Quinn didn't say anything back, she didn't even look at her! She was still staring at Rachel and Santana was going to explode any second now. She could feel the rage building up at the fact that Quinn was _still_ ignoring her! But she couldn't do anything, she wouldn't, not in front of Brittany at least so she tried to shake it off as much as she could.

"Whatever. Britt! Let's go!"

And she moved away from her but she felt her hand being pulled back, Brittany wasn't moving.

"Bye Quinn. I did miss you yesterday."

Damn Brittany and her heart of gold! The least Santana wanted was for her to be nice to Quinn, and there she was, being well, being Brittany, all sweet and smiley. Santana was incapable of yelling at her so she just dragged her away.

She did her best to try to focus on her current class, but she couldn't, seeing Quinn with Rachel was the last straw, she was furious, disappointed and hurt, and she decided that was it, she was done letting Quinn push them away, she was done and she was confronting Quinn at the end of the class.

The bell rang and Santana quickly made her way to the classroom Rachel and Quinn were about to come out from , dragging Brittany with her. They found a couple of Cheerios talking in a locker near Quinn's and they stopped there, they were talking about something and Brittany quickly joined the conversation. Santana didn't, she wasn't listening; she was watching Quinn trying to figure out the best time to approach her when the girls in front of her started laughing, she didn't know what they were laughing about but she laughed too. She took one look at Brittany who had stopped laughing and had a kind of pained expression in her eyes, she was obviously looking at Quinn and Rachel and Santana wondered what had happened. She looked at them and she understood immediately, she saw them, Karofsky and what's-his-name from the football team… both with a slushie cup each and she knew with out a doubt to whom they were directed.

She held her breath and she held Brittany's hand, (or was that Brittany holding her hand?) and waited for the inevitable result. She saw it in slow motion as it happened.

Every one was quiet for a few seconds because Quinn Fabray, _The_ Quinn Fabray, had just gotten slushied.

Santana and Brittany were quiet because _their_ Quinn had just gotten slushied.

Brittany dragged Santana to the girl's locker room and handed her a duffel bag with clothes on it, it was the spare one they kept there in case one of them forgot their clothes on the day they had Cheerios practice.

"Give it to Quinn, San she's going to need a change of clothes now, and I am sure she doesn't have any"

Santana just looked at her. Quinn had been ignoring them for almost a year now and she still had her in her heart to worry about her.

"But, why? She can go to her house and change there. And I don't think she'd take it from me any way!"

Santana was not angry at that moment, she was just sad. Sad for Quinn and for the friendship she believed was now lost. Quinn probably thought she had been involved somehow in the slushies and there was no way she could ever get her to come back now.

"Because San, you miss her, and I miss her, and she misses us. And this way you can talk to her again without fighting and maybe you can convince her to come back so we can be friends again"

She heard Brittany sigh and looked at her, she was clearly sad but there was still hope in those big blue eyes.

"I really miss her San. Please give her the bag!"

Santana had a lump on her throat, between her longing and Britanny's she couldn't answer with words so she only nodded and made her way to the parking lot to try to find Quinn, she had just realized she had no idea where the girl parked her car, if she even had a car anymore.

She walked through the cars heading closer and closer to the far ends of the parking lot when she saw her, she saw her run and crash into her car and she ran after her stopping just a couple of steps behind her. She handed her the duffle bag and left. She wanted to say something more, she wanted to tell her to come back, she wanted to tell her she missed her but, Quinn's anger and resentment was too much; she clearly blamed her for the slushies and there was nothing she could do at that moment so she turned around and left her alone…. Again.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Brittany asked where Quinn was and she told her she had gone home even if she had no idea if that was the truth, she never saw Quinn come back to school and Brittany seemed satisfied with the answer.

They finished the rest of their classes and went to Cheerios practice. Apparently it was a day of nostalgia because everything about it reminded her of Quinn, they were even using one of Quinn's old choreographies as warm up.

Santana couldn't wait for practice to be over, she just wanted to get home, take a bath there and watch TV.

She and Brittany took a quick shower and she drove Brittany back home. She left her at her with a small kiss to the cheek and drove back to her house. She was now alone with her thoughts. She needed to talk to Quinn, if only to tell her she had nothing to do with the slushies and to tell her it was time for her to get her head out of her butt already!

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><p>It wasn't really a long ride back to my house but I was too exhausted and I fell asleep almost immediately. In my restless sleep I could faintly hear her singing something; I didn't know what she was singing but it was soothing. Her voice was reaching parts of me I wasn't aware were still alive, it was like, at that moment her voice was the only thing keeping me from falling into the abyss and I just wanted to hold on to it, I never wanted it to stop.<p>

I was so immersed on that voice that I didn't realized we stopped until I felt Rachel's light touch on my shoulder.

"Quinn?"

Her voice was low, hesitant, as if she didn't really want to wake me up and I whined a little because I didn't want to be waken up. But she tried again.

"Quinn? You have to wake up now, we have arrived and your mom is probably worried about you"

"_Worried? Yeah right!"_

I just shook my head because, really?

"Quinn? Wake up sleepy"

I groaned because I was exhausted, and because it was warm inside her car, and because I really didn't want to go into my house.

Rachel put her hand on my shoulder again and shook me a bit harder.

"Quinn. You have to wake up, it's getting late"

I groaned again, I was seriously annoyed and I really, _really_, didn't want to go.

"Yeah, yeah. I know"

I sighed and sat up, but I had no real intention of leaving. I knew it was late, I knew she had to go back to her home and that I had to into my house. I sighed once again and squeezed her hand briefly.

"Thanks Rachel. Uhm, for the ride and everything. I, uhm… I'll see you tomorrow ok? Drive safe"

"_What? Drive Safe? Really!? Gosh Fabray, just get out of the car already!"_

"_It was my pleasure Quinn. I'll see you tomorrow! Uhm… don't go running outside in the dark okay?"_

I scoffed, shook my head, she giggled a little and I got out of the car. I was expecting her to drive away as soon as I closed the door, but she didn't. I could feel her eyes on me as I walked, but it felt different than when I felt Santana's. Rachel's gave me chills but in a good way.

Halfway to the door I stopped abruptly, I had my hands in the pockets of my sweats and I realized I didn't have my keys with me, I had just taken the iPod and left, and now I couldn't get in, my mom wasn't home yet and Rachel was still waiting for me to get inside.

"_Nice one Fabray!"_

"Quinn? Is everything all right?"

There was still a small note of concern in her voice and I could only imagine what was going on her mind, why was she so concerned all the time about me?

"Yeah I uhm… I just, I can't go inside my house"

I frowned a little because I sounded anxious and I didn't want her to be even more worried when there was no need to.

"Why? Quinn, is everything okay?"

I shook my head because she did sound really worried and really there was no need to.

"Yeah, I just... uhm… Well … I left my keys inside."

By the time I finished stammering that, she was already standing next to me and I heard her chuckle slightly with relief and it made me smile a little smile. I looked at her eyes and I ducked, mostly in embarrassment at my own clumsiness, but partly because she had a little smile too and I had to look away to not smile even wider.

"Is there not a spare key somewhere? You know, hidden on the mat? Or one of the lamps? Or the door frame perhaps?"

"Uhm… no, not really"

We did have a spare key on the of the plant pots outside, but since my mom made him leave the house we don't anymore, also we changed the locks so that he couldn't get in, but we still didn't leave any key outside. Just in case.

"Well, why don't you just call your mom? I'm sure she'd come back earlier so that you can get inside Quinn."

"_You can't do that either, can you Fabray? Because guess what? You didn't take your cell phone either! What were you thinking?... oh that's right! You were not thinking. And it wouldn't even matter either. There's probably just a note on the kitchen saying she won't be here until late again."_

"Uhm… I can't do that either. I also left my phone inside the house"

She looked at me like she didn't really believe me, but when I looked back at her she saw I was rather serious she laughed. A full on, Rachel Berry laugh and I just smiled, I smiled wider that I had smiled in a lot of time because there was something equally soothing than hearing her sing, and it was hearing her laugh.

After a few moments she stopped laughing and grabbed me by the arm as we walked back to her car. And I couldn't stop smiling, and she couldn't stop giggling.

Once we reached her car, she opened the passenger door and motioned me to get inside.

"Get in the car Quinn, if we're gonna wait for your mom we might as well wait somewhere we will not freeze to death, or get a pneumonia or something like that, I can't have my voice failing on me now when we have to start preparing for sectionals!"

Sectionals. Glee.

I actually did miss Glee. It was, along with the cheerios, the only thing that could effectively take my mind off of things, but after everything that happened last year, I just couldn't go back. I didn't know if they'd take me back, and I wasn't sure that I deserved to be taken back either. I had really just disappeared on everyone, and the fact that none of them made an attempt to contact me reinforced the feeling that no one really wanted me there. But, God! Did I miss it!

"You don't have to Rachel. I know your parents must be waiting for you to come back, and it is getting really late, it'll be dark soon. Really you don't have to; I can just wait for her here."

She looked at me, a mixture of cockiness, resentment and way too much confidence.

"That is nonsense Quinn. You will not be outside _alone_ waiting for your mom to get back, and with no means of communication!"

I opened my mouth to say something but she cut me off before I even made a sound.

"There no use in arguing Quinn. Even though we are not really close, I am sure you know by now that when I set my mind to something there's nothing anyone can do to make me change it, so you might as well just get in the car already."

And with that final statement she turned around and made her way into the car through the driver's door and pulled out her phone to call someone, her dads I assumed (and I was right).

I took a deep breath trying to hide the smile that was still on my face, first because Rachel's laughter and now because she stayed. I didn't ask her to, but she still did and even though I didn't really know what to think of that, if she was being sincere in her desire to stay or it was just a pity thing, I couldn't help that warm happy feeling from spreading inside of me.

I finally got into the car when she was about to hang up, and I was proven right that she had, in fact, called her dads. Or at least one of them.

"Yes daddy. Yes we're both okay. Yes daddy, we are just going to wait here a little bit to see if Quinn's mom comes back, and if she doesn't we will go home okay? Yes I promise. I love you too Daddy."

"Rachel, you really don't have to do this. You can just go back to your home. I don't even know if my mom's gonna be home early and I really don't want you to drive alone late into the night."

"I will tell you what then Quinn. We will go back to my house and you'll stay for dinner and after that, if you still want me to, I will bring you back here so that you can freeze until she comes back."

I just shook my head in amusement, she was really stubborn but, no matter how I was really suddenly hungry, I wasn't sure about accepting a dinner invitation to her house. For once, I had no doubt she was being honest about inviting me over, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, her dads… well, I surely was not their favourite person in the world and I didn't want to impose on their own home.

"Rachel, I mean… Thank you for inviting me but I am not sure that's the best idea. Your dads probably hate me and I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable."

I was aware of the vulnerability in my voice, and I was surprised that it sounded like that. It was like I couldn't have walls anymore when being around her. I didn't even know why she had that effect! Of all the people in the world, I had to be drawn to Rachel Berry!

"_What is the matter with you? You have been speaking to her for a day. A DAY FABRAY! And now she is suddenly just, breaking through to you? You don't even know if she's really being honest! Have you learned nothing Quinn?"_

I knew, somewhere in the back of my head that that was true, but I didn't want to listen to it right now. I was finally feeling something other than nothingness, and I just knew she was the source of it. And I'd be damned if that voice inside of me would make me lose it. At least not today, not right now. Tomorrow would be a different story, different situations, different everything. But right now, I just wanted to hold on to that feeling as long as I could.

She took my hand and intertwined her fingers with mine.

"That's nonsense Quinn. Your presence will not make anyone uncomfortable. On the contrary! It will be a rather nice addition to dinner tonight. And my dads will be nothing but friendly to you. I promise okay?"

I let out a shaky breath and nodded slightly. Her voice was smooth and slow and I wanted to be reassured by it but I couldn't stop feeling like I was imposing on her because of my stupidity of forgetting my keys inside.

She lifted my head with her other hand, never letting go of the one she was holding, and made me look at her in the eyes.

"I mean it Quinn. It will be okay. I promise you it will."

She smiled at me, and I saw that same smile on her eyes and I felt she was telling the truth so I nodded, with more certainty this time and I smiled a small smile.

A small but honest smile.

A smile I didn't smile for anyone else.

Apparently Rachel Berry had gotten herself a personalized smile.

She squeezed my hand harder in excitement and nodded. Letting go of my hand to turn on the engine, and I feared it would feel cold the instant she let go but it didn't. Granted, it wasn't as warm as it was with Rachel's hand on top of it, but warmth didn't let it completely. Rachel was really doing something to me, bringing me to life, or bringing life back to me, or making me realize I was still alive.

But really, it didn't really matter what she was doing, all that matter was that she was doing it. And while it was scary and I wasn't sure it was going to last, I did not have any intention of fighting it or pulling back.

She drove back to her house and I drifted off to sleep once again, but this time was not a restless sleep, even if the car was silent, even if she wasn't singing, it was not a restless sleep. I felt warm, and comfortable and I was enjoying it.

I felt as she pulled over and turned the engine off. She put her hand on my shoulder, like she did earlier when she wanted to wake me up and she shook me slightly.

"We are here Quinn. Wake up sleepy!"

I tried to rub off the sleep from my eyes as I made my way outside her car.

I could see another two cars parked outside and I turned to her, a little anxious again. But her beaming smile took the anxiety again.

"Oh good! Dad is here already! Let's go inside Quinn!"

She grabbed my hand and this time I intertwined our fingers. Somehow it made me feel safe.

"_Dinner at the Berry's Fabray? Well, this is bound to be interesting…"_

I swallowed hard a second before Rachel opened the door and I stepped inside her home.


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N: Dinner at the Berry's! I hope you like it!**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing! It truly makes my day!**

**I wish I could update sooner but, alas! Work sucks (also, I had the longest, most horrid block I have ever experienced, and I hope y'all will feel like I've broken through it with this update) :-/**

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><p>"Dad. Daddy. This is my friend Quinn Fabray, she locked herself out of her house and I invited her to dinner and to stay a while, at least until her mother returns."<p>

Both men looked at me and I could see it in their eyes, the hesitation, the doubt. I extended my hand to greet them, trying not to let my nerves get the best of me.

A tall black man shook my hand first, his grip was firm but not rude, strong but not aggressive. His eyes shone like Rachel's; warm, deep, intense and forgiving looking back at me; I could feel myself getting closer and closer to a panic attack.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Berry. I do hope I am not imposing by being here tonight, I told Rachel it was probably not a good idea to show up uninvited."

Mr. Berry seemed amused, there was a light spark in his eyes and it made me feel less worried.

"Don't worry about it Quinn, it's no trouble! We'll just set up another plate at the table and that's about it okay?"

I nodded with light embarrassment at the man's amusement.

"Also, call me Leroy, _Mr. Berry_ would be too confusing."

He winked at me and I felt a blush starting to spread through my neck. I nodded and let out a small smile; he turned around and went to the kitchen as I turned to the other Berry man and I extended my hand to him.

"Mr. Berry, thank you for having me."

He looked at my stretched hand, and then at me and I felt the same way I did when people at school would look at me, I wanted to turn around and just leave. It took him a couple of seconds to take my hand and shake it; he was shorter than Leroy, his factions more similar to Rachel's with the exception of his eyes, he had unreadable eyes but it felt he was trying to see through me. His grip was strong, a warning. He nodded and simply said:

"Hiram."

He shook my hand once again and turned around to meet Leroy in the kitchen.

"_Just breathe!"_

"Breathe Quinn,"

I turned to look at her, had she just said what I was thinking?...

… Again.

"Girls! Dinner will be ready in a little while, why don't you go upstairs and we'll call you when its ready?"

"Yes daddy! Thank you!"

Her voice and her smile where enough to balance how startled I felt after Leroy's voice came out of the kitchen all of the sudden. She was smiling so brightly, even after her dad told us to go upstairs to her bedroom, just the two of us…

"_Oh God… Just the two of us…."_

"And keep the door open!"

Hiram's voice followed suit, warning as it was earlier (earning a scowl from Rachel) and it made me feel like I should leave, again, but for entirely different reasons.

The two of us, alone, in her bedroom… Why was she so excited about it? What were we going to talk about? Gosh we had nothing in common!

"_Christ Fabray! Calm down! It is just Berry, what could possibly happen?"_

Before I could register what was happening, we were already at the door of her bedroom, and she was opening it, and she was inviting me inside… and I just wanted to turn around and run away, but I wanted to stay at the same time…

She must have sensed my uneasiness because she took my hand and squeezed it slightly, trying to reassure it was okay for me to be there. I smiled at her and let her guide me in side the bedroom and to the edge of the bed, and just like that my uneasiness was replaced with something else, something a lot like… like nervousness…

"_Don't be ridiculous! Why would you be nervous of being in Rachel Berry's bedroom? If anything she should be the one feeling this way! Keep it cool!"_

Rachel sat at her bed and made a signal for me to join her, suddenly it was really hard to breathe. I looked around and found a chair near her desk and chose to sit there. It was far enough that she wouldn't notice how nervous I was, but not so far that she would think I didn't want to be near her. She smiled at me and opened her mouth a couple of times but she didn't say anything and I kept trying to think about how to start a conversation but suddenly everything seemed dumb.

_You have a nice bedroom….. _

_Your bed is really big… _

_Wow! You really do like stars huh_

_So, uhm… Do you want to… sing something? _

"_Really? That's all you can think about? Nice, real nice!"_

Things quickly became awkward as neither of us knew what to say, we both tried a couple of times but our words came out as simple exhalations. So we just sat there in silence, sometimes looking at each other, sometimes looking at our hands, sometimes I'd just glance around her _very _Rachel Berry-ish room, there was so much pink in it, and several stars glued to the ceiling which, I assumed, glowed in the dark and I wished I could spend the night some time so that I could watch them….

"_What?"_

I shook my head because, that just wasn't right… I could very well buy those stars for my own room, why would they look better in here?

After a while of awkward silence Rachel decided to try and break it…

"So…. How come you locked yourself out of your house? I mean, I know that going for a run is always a healthy exercise and if there was anyone I always thought of as a runner it was always you, being head Cheerio and all you must be in shape, even… even if you're not on the cheerios anymore I guess old habits die hard. I just... I never pegged you as a person who would forget basic things such as keys or her phone; you know you should always be prepared in case of emergency Quinn. You can't just be wandering out there with no means of communication at all!"

I looked at her in complete awe, only Rachel Berry was able to break an awkward silence with what started as an even more awkward attempt of small talk that ended on lecture about safety. She must've realized all that because she blushed and mumbled some sort of apology, I was just about to tell her not to worry about it when we heard Leroy's voice announcing dinner was ready and my uneasiness came back. Rachel, already a step ahead of me, was taking my hand in hers making me stand up.

"Don't worry Quinn. It'll be great! It's just dinner, and my daddy is a great chef, you will love it! You won't even notice its all vegan food"

"_What?"_

Rachel's dads were already sitting on the table, next to each other and it was extremely foreign to me, not because they were two men but because I remembered my father and my mother always sitting in opposite sides of the table, barely talking to each other and not having any contact at all. Rachel took her seat next to Leroy and I was left sitting next to Hiram.

It felt weird to sit there, I didn't know what their dinner etiquette was, if they said grace or if I should wait for one of the Berry men to serve himself first; my palms started to sweat and I tried to rub them against my sweats without them noticing.

The food was passed around to everyone, and once the plates were full the Berry family started to eat, chatting with each other. It felt like watching a movie; all three of them being just so comfortable with each other, laughing and making jokes. Rachel would occasionally turn to me and asked a question or tried to make me join the conversation with lines like:

"Isn't that right Quinn?

"Quinn was there too! Help me out here Quinn!"

"Quinn agrees with me, don't you?"

But I could do nothing more than smile and nod, I was definitely out of my comfort zone. All I could do was be amazed by her family interaction. And I couldn't help but to feel a small amount of envy at the sight, but I also felt a little bit of… relief I guess. I felt relieved by the fact that at least Rachel had people to rely in at home, and I felt guilty at having been so terrible to her.

"So, Quinn-"

Hiram's voice almost made me drop the fork I was holding.

"- I wasn't aware that you and Rachel were now friends. When did it happen? Rachel hadn't mentioned it before."

There it was! I actually thought the question would come out sooner and I could tell that Hiram was trying not to make it sound as an accusation, but I was well aware it was, after all Rachel and I had never been anything but Glee Club and classmates and there was no knowing of how much Rachel had told them about my behavior towards her.

"Dad! Be nice, please."

Rachel's voice was a mixture of annoyance with a touch of anger, and while it was touching it was unnecessary, her dads were in all their right to question my motives so I looked at her and shook my head a little bit so that she knew it was okay. I, gently, placed the fork at the edge of the table and turned to meet Hiram's studying gaze, suddenly calling him by his name didn't feel right.

"Sir, I am not sure about how much you do know about Rachel's and mine frie- relationship. I do know we, well I haven't been the best of friends to her but I am willing to change that-

"_What? Since when? You've got to be kidding Fabray!"_

- and, I guess, this could be the beginning"

My hands started trembling somewhere in that sentence and I had to lower them to my lap to try and hide it, my gaze never faltered away from Hiram's and out of the corner of my eye I could see Rachel had stopped eating and Leroy was looking at me. A lump had formed in my throat but I didn't want to look away to drink some water, my mind was racing and I was trying to shut it out while attempting to decipher Hiram's look.

"If…. If all of you would give me the opportunity that is."

Everyone remained silent for what seemed hours, that last sentence came out from a place deep inside, a feeling I didn't even realize I had until I whispered it to the Berry family. I couldn't keep the eye contact because I felt tears wanting to form and I was not going to let them come out. I couldn't understand what had just happened, where did that sudden urge came from? Since when did I want to actually be friends with Rachel? To earn her dads approval? It didn't make any sense and I just needed someone to say something because my mind was starting to wander away from me again.

"Well Quinn, we appreciate you taking us into consideration, but I think that it's all up to Rachel here, and if that smile is any indication I think you're safe."

Leroy's voice was calm and warm and it helped me calm down, I looked at Hiram again and I saw the sharpness in his eyes had softened a little bit, and then I turned to Rachel and saw that smile, it was a little bashful and I could tell she was trying to hold it back, and I felt something warm inside, as if my blood had become lighter somehow.

"Oh! Before I forget! Rachel has been going on and on about Sectionals this year, she even did a playlist with 20 songs she wants the Glee Club to sing. She says it's sure you guys are going to win but she still wants to give an impeccable performance. What do you think Quinn? Are you as sure as she is that the victory is yours?"

Rachel's eyes doubled its size in surprise at Leroy's question; apparently she hadn't told them I was no longer a part of Glee Club.

"I'm not really in Glee anymore-

All three pair of eyes were on me now, curiosity was the main emotion in them, Rachel's were a little bit apologetic too, clearly she didn't want the topic to come up.

- but I do think that the odds are in their favour this year too. No matter who they run up against, no other choir has a voice as strong as Rachel's, and there's no beating her."

Rachel's dad's expressions were full of pride at her daughter's talents, and they were both nodding at the statement.

"You should consider coming back to Glee, Quinn. Rachel always talked about how your voice was unlike any other there… Uhm, what was the expression she used? Ah! Yes! A "tremulous alto", even though you were a …"

"… a bit sharp at times. Yeah."

We all chuckled at the "very Rachel-ish remark", and the memory of that specific moment came back changing for ever, it was a bitter sweet moment up until that day, but it changed to something that would make me smile from now on.

"I don't know, I am not sure about going back to Glee, at least not now. I mean, I do kinda miss it I guess, and I am definitely rooting for them but. I guess… I don't know."

"Take your time Quinn, Glee will be there still."

This time Hiram was the one who spoke, and his voice was completely different from how it had been so far. It was not menacing this time, more like, fatherly.

"Yes Quinn. Although, the sooner you come back, the sooner they will fall back into line. It has been quite troublesome to get them to focus on the task at hand. I think your presence there helped keeping them on the line, specially Puck I think the might be the one who misses you the most, well… the second one who misses you the most."

"R-Really?"

"Yes, of course Quinn."

He, he… missed me? Out of all the people I thought wouldn't miss me, he was number one on my list (along with Finn, of course). If I was completely honest with myself he was one of the main reasons I hadn't come back to Glee just yet, seeing him still made me feel guilty and furious, and I was sure he hated me. And, apparently he didn't.

"Who is _Puck_?"

"Noah, Daddy! Noah Puckerman!"

"Ah yes! That mohawk kid from the temple right?"

"Yes daddy, that's him."

Rachel's dads shared a look, I figured they knew at least a part of Puck's and mine story, if not all of it.

"Well girls, it appears we've ran out of food. And since it's Rachel's chore to pick up the table we'll leave you both to it."

After we finished picking up the table I offered to do the dishes, arguing that my stay had been unexpected and it was the least I could do, but Rachel refused saying I was her guest and she was having none of that. She said I should probably make a call to my house to check if my mom was there and pointed me to the phone in the living room. After a few rings my mom picked up and I told her I would be there as soon as I could, she said she thought I was already sleeping and I ignored how it made me feel that she didn't even bother to check if I was there.

I went back to the kitchen to tell Rachel my mom was back and I was ready to go whenever. There were hushed voices coming out from there and, even though I shouldn't have, I stopped to listen. Partly because I didn't want to intrude, partly because I was curious about why they were whispering when they were all talking so animatedly just a few minutes before.

Hiram's voice was the first one that I heard;

"Rachel, honey, I am just saying you should be careful around Quinn that is all."

"Dad, you shouldn't be worried. Quinn's not a bad person, I know she isn't, she has been through a lot and I guess she doesn't really know how to be around people."

"I never said she is a bad person, but she has done a lot of bad, uhm a lot of mistakes, especially in her way of acting towards you. I just don't want you to get hurt again baby girl."

"Your dad is right sweetie. I know she is not bad, I know some of her upbringing background and being Russell Fabray's daughter probably didn't leave her with a lot of happy memories. But still, you should take care of yourself when you are around her."

I cannot say I could blame them for feeling like that, actually I was rather surprised that they actually allowed that I stayed, but it still hurt to hear those words. Even though I was completely aware of all that. I was already backing away to the living room when Rachel spoke;

"Dad, Daddy, while I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing I must tell you that, even though apparently no one else does, I trust Quinn. I know she has made her lot of wrong choices, but we all mess up. I know you will remain hesitant about me spending time with her, but I must ask you to give her a chance. I think she just needs someone to reach out to her and I am not turning my back on her now. So please just, give her a chance."

I didn't wait to listen if her dads gave her an answer. My heart was beating so fast I feared I would start getting dizzy, I needed to sit down. After all that I had done, after all the name calling, all the slushies, all the tearing down I had done… after all of that Rachel still believed in me.

But, how could she? How could she find it in her to still believe?

Heck! I wasn't even sure I believed in myself anymore, and there she stood, defending me and making a stand in my behalf. It was too confusing and overwhelming, I didn't deserve it… I didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve to have her comfort me or be by my side, not yet, I hadn't earned it yet. My eyes started to fill with tears, it was all so confusing and I just had to get out of there.

"Quinn?"

"_Dammit!"_

"Rachel! Uhm… My mom's home now and I should get back. I didn't want to interrupt so I figured I'd just leave and I'd thank you tomorrow for inviting me over."

"So you were just going to leave? Quinn, as I told you earlier, you don't even have your phone with you. I can't let you walk back to your house at this hour. I brought you here and I will drive you back."

"No! I mean… its fine Rachel, really. It is not that far, I promise"

"_Besides, I could really use some air right now."_

She didn't say anything, instead she just looked at me and my heart sped up again.

"_Please… Just drop it!"_

"Are you all right Quinn? I apologize if everything was somewhat overwhelming. My dads and I… we can get carried away sometimes. We're all basically the same when we start talking so, I apologize if tonight was too much."

"_Yeah, it kinda was actually."_

She seemed suddenly hurt and I realized I said that out loud.

"_Dammit!"_

"No, I mean… I'm just…"

"No, don't Quinn. I understand that…"

"I'm not!... I'm just not used to seeing a family be so friendly to each other, that's all. I had a great time Rachel, you and your dads are a lovely family, really."

I was looking at her while speaking, I saw a slight blush painting her cheeks and I smiled a little bit.

"Really, thank you Rachel for not letting me stay outside to freeze my ass off."

She laughed before chastising me about using curse words. I said goodbye once again and thanked her for the food, she made me promise to let her know when I got home and I realized I didn't have her phone number. She took a pen and wrote it on the back of my hand.

"So you can't say you lost it. Quinn, I really must insist that I drive you back to your house. It may not be far from here but it's getting dark and…"

"It is fine, really. You've done enough, and it will only get darker if you don't let me leave already."

She bit her lip but finally nodded.

"Okay Quinn. Be safe!"

"I will. Thank you…again. Oh! Please, say thanks to your dads too."

/*/

The walk back home was shorter than I wanted it to be, my mother had left me a spare key outside and she was already asleep when I got home. It was just around 9 but she had always gone to bed early. It was quiet inside the house, a feeling of emptiness in it. I entered the dining room and sat at the table, trying to find the warmth that I felt at Rachel's, but it wasn't there. It was nowhere to be found, not in this house.

I went to what used to be my father's studio, maybe I could find some warmth there, some feeling of belonging… but there was none there either. I went up to my mom's room and wished that it would feel a little bit like a piece of home, but it didn't either. I wasn't expecting it would, but I still felt disappointed.

Once inside my room I sent Rachel a quick text letting her know I had arrived and that I was safe, I said _thanks _again and took a quick shower without waiting for a reply. But I had one once I came out from the bathroom. It was simple, just a happy face and a _good night Quinn_. I went to bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

I almost never remembered what I dreamed, sometimes I'd remember just feelings, smalls flashes of images or sounds. This time I woke up at 12:15 am, and for the second night in a row I remembered what I dreamed. I was walking down a street, a really dark street and I remembered feeling alone and frightened. Broken. It felt like I had walked for hours and I was starting to feel exhausted, I wanted to get out of the darkness but I almost had no strength left. And then a bright light appeared, it had subtle pink sparkles and I felt the urge to go to it. Small was my surprise to find that the light was being held by Rachel, she was holding it in both her hands, she was wearing the brightest of smiles I had ever seen, and her eyes were just as shiny. She looked at me and offered me the light she was holding. And I felt that warmth I had been looking for.

I opened my eyes to find tears sliding down but, in that specific moment, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel grief or cold, I felt, I don't know how to describe how I was feeling really, it was something that resembled hope. I grabbed my phone without really thinking about it and sent a text to Rachel, a question that dream had planted in my mind.

**To Rachel: **_Do you think someone can break beyond repair? That we can get so lost it becomes impossible to find the way back?_

**To Rachel: **_Do you think that, it is always possible to find the way back? No matter how long you've been lost?_

I let my hand drop next to my head, still holding the phone, and looked at the ceiling in my room. It looked so empty, something was missing and I couldn't think of any thing other than stars.

"_Stupid"_

I was dozing off again when my phone vibrated and I almost dropped it on my face when I lifted my hand again so that I could see what it said.

**From Rachel: **_Are you ok Quinn? Where are you? Do you need me to pick you up somewhere?_

**To Rachel: **_I'm fine Rachel, I'm in my house, in my bed. I'm ok. I'm sorry if I woke you up. _

**To Rachel: **_I didn't mean to worry you either, I'm sorry._

**From Rachel: **_You didn't wake me up, I couldn't sleep either I suppose. Why are you asking me that? _

I sighed; I really didn't know why I was asking that... Why I was asking _her _that. I didn't even think she was going to reply.

"_You didn't even think at all!"_

**To Rachel: **_I guess, I was just wondering… Never mind Rachel, its midnight talk, pure nonsense. _

**To Rachel: **_You should go to sleep now, it is late and we have to wake up early._

**Rachel: **_It is quite late, you should go to sleep yourself Quinn : )_

**To Rachel: **_I can try._

**To Rachel: **_Good night Rachel. Sweet Dreams._

I placed my phone on my night stand and closed my eyes, I pressed them tightly wishing I could at least see a couple of stars that way. This whole day had been just too much, too many different and conflicting emotions. Too much Rachel and her perkiness and hopefulness, it was almost contagious, or it could be I guess, if I opened myself enough.

I heard a buzzing coming from my right side and the light from my phone lit up the room, a new text message.

**Rachel: **_Just so you know, Quinn. You are not as lost as you seem to think you are._

I sat up straight on the bed, my hands a little shaky and I read that text at least 5 more times. There she went again, believing, no second thoughts, and I was barely managing to keep breathing.

**To Rachel: **_How can you be so sure? Why do you even care so much?_

The reply was almost instant, and those words basically made my whole night.

**Rachel: **_I am Rachel Berry, remember? I am a little psychic. _

**To Rachel: **_I guess you are. I'm just searching for some light I suppose, it can get really dark sometimes._

**Rachel: **_Well, it is almost day time, you'll have light soon enough._


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hello everybody! Remember when I said last chapter had been the hardest to write because I had had the WORST block ever? Well, apparently that was not true, while this is not the longest chapter ever I hope you like it.**

**I can't believe how long it has been, I am appalled and I apologize profusely to each and every one of you. Time flies unbelievably fast when work's a bitch and life keeps on going.**

**But here it is! And while I can't promise I'll update weekly I can promise to do my best to at least update monthly.**

**Thank YOU so much for reading, for your patience and for sticking around.**

**A/N2: While I struggled to update, I re-read the story and noticed some things that might have happened too fast or were not explored with more depth, I'm considering doing a re-write of the story to make it a little better, I would greatly appreciate all of your opinions about that.**

**Once again thank YOU for reading, for sticking around and all comments are always appreciated.**

* * *

><p>I felt my phone vibrate before I actually heard it go off with my morning alarm, which meant I had fallen asleep with it still in my hand. I honestly didn't even notice when I fell asleep but when I turned the alarm off and the screen lit up I saw Rachel's last text still open, under any other circumstances I would've been embarrassed but since I was alone in my room I read the text again and for an instant I allowed myself to hope, until I looked out the window and noticed that the morning was just as grey as it had been the day before and I couldn't help but to feel stupid and naïve.<p>

Did I really believe that just because _Rachel Berry _said so, the day would be brighter?

"_**Stupid, stupid, stupid."**_

I groaned and covered myself completely with the bed sheet, wishing the day away and wishing I could just stay in bed all day long, maybe all week? Hell! I'd stay here the whole year if I could. I closed my eyes tight together and slowly felt sleep start to take me in once more; I never was a morning person so it was never hard for me to fall asleep quickly after waking up. But the phone, which I was still holding in my hand, started vibrating signaling an incoming text.

**From Rachel: **Good morning Quinn. See? It is a brand new day :) I hope you slept well.

I hid my face in my pillow and groaned, trying my best not to throw the phone away and out the window. Her positive approach and her perkiness were just _too _much this early in the morning, I just couldn't deal with that so I curled up and pressed my face against the pillow. It was getting warmer by the second and I was starting to enjoy feeling myself being lured back to sleep, but the alarm went on again and I couldn't hit snooze any longer or I would never be at school on time. No that it actually mattered, it wasn't not like school had anything new to offer, but I still got out of bed with a heavy sigh and regretted immediately.

"_**Fucking mornings!"**_

I dragged my feet through the faux wooden floor of my bedroom until I hit the cold bathroom floor tiles and, once inside, got the hot water running on the shower, then I started brushing my teeth until the steam from the hot water fogged the mirror.

Hot showers were the only thing that made waking up that early not a complete turmoil, well they made waking up in general not a complete waste honestly. The scalding hot water contrasted with the cold of getting out of bed and it gave me the impression of being alive, as if the hot water could somehow get under my skin and heat me from the inside. But it didn't last long, just like every other good thing, only 15 minutes of pretending before crashing back down to the cold reality of things.

I got out of the shower and wrapped myself with a towel, grabbing another one to dry my hair. After it was fairly dry, just enough for it to not leave drops of water all around my bedroom floor, I got out of the bathroom and went straight to the closet to think about what to wear, not that there were that many choices, mainly all dresses and cardigans, light and pastel colours, which I didn't feel like wearing anymore because I didn't feel like they fit anymore.

I saw all the dresses and tried remembering what if felt like being _that_ girl, what it was like, how it felt waking up and wanting to hurry up and looking forward to dressing up and putting on makeup, but I couldn't, I just couldn't remember anything before that moment, I even started wondering if any of that was ever real and I imagined setting it all on fire.

After 10 minutes of staring at the closet and glancing back at the bed seriously considering just going back to sleep, I settled for a pair of tight dark blue jeans, a simple blue button-up, a grey hoodie and black converse tennis shoes. I finished tying up my shoelaces and I felt tired, as if I hadn't slept in days, I didn't even have the care to think about what to do with my hair so I just tied it up in a loose bun. I looked at myself in the full body mirror on the back of the closet doors and even though I still did not fully recognize the person staring back at me, at least the image felt a little more fitting than before. I took a step closer to the mirror trying to find something in the girl staring back that resembled me, or who I thought I was; something that could cue me into who I am now, something to jolt my memory. Anything! But all I found there were new face lines and different shadows.

My phone rang from the bed where I left it, signaling an incoming text and I really hoped it wasn't Rachel again, I doubted I had the necessary self-control and feared I might give in and throw the phone out the window, I took another look deep into the eyes of the reflection in the mirror and sighed in defeat when I still couldn't find anything.

I walked to the bed and held the phone in my hand, taking a deep breath before finally deciding to open the text and, honestly, I was both relieved and disappointed that it wasn't Rachel but Santana, I wondered what could she possibly say after what happened enough to actually read it.

**Santana:** Hey Q… Feel like ditching a few classes? We need to talk. Meet under bleachers?

"_What!?"_

I read the text again, well tried but got stuck in the first part

_Hey Q ….. Hey Q… Hey Q…._

I read it again and again, and at least four more times before it fully registered how angry I was, until I realized it was getting harder to read because of how bad my hand was shaking. Not throwing the phone away had never been harder.

"_What the hell is that supposed to mean!? Sup Q… Really? Really!? After all that has happened, all that she's done… after that slushie? Who the fuck does she think she is!?"_

I wanted to respond, I really did… Something like _Are you fucking stupid, Santana? _or maybe something like _Are you fucking serious!? _Or even a simple _Fuck off, Santana_. But I figured the best thing I could do was to ignore her, I really didn't want to talk to her and whatever answer I would've sent would've irremediably begun a fight, and while fighting with Santana was something appealing at the moment I just didn't have the energy for it, not even if it meant skipping school. So I just put my phone inside my backpack and headed downstairs, my mother's door was closed and I went right to the front door and out, it had been a long time since I stopped looking for her in the kitchen doing any kind of breakfast or lunch, or anything really, and I wasn't really hungry anyway.

I got into my car and started it but before I could set it to drive I felt the overwhelming necessity to take out my phone again and read both Rachel's and Santana's texts. I took the phone out of my backpack and stared at it for a few seconds.

"_What are you going to do now? You really want to answer? Rachel? Whose unbelievable misunderstanding of hints is one of the main reasons you're the mess you are right now. Santana? Without whom you wouldn't even be feeling anxiety about going back to school today. Really, Fabray? Really?"_

I shook my head, answering would be nonsense and in any case I didn't have anything real to say to either of them, so I put the phone back in the backpack and drove to school. I didn't turn on the radio or connected my iPod, the mere idea of sound seemed like too much and I didn't feel like having a random song pop-up to remind me of anyone.

When I got to the school parking lot I quickly made my way to my usual parking spot and I was relieved to see that Santana's car wasn't there yet. I checked the clock and I realized I was at least 10 minutes early, Santana doesn't get to school until at least 5 minutes before classes begin.

I got out of the car and not two steps away from it, Santana jumped in front of me out of nowhere nearly throwing me off balance. Her hands on her hips and her weight slightly resting on her right leg, I knew that pose… I invented that pose.

"Did you lose your phone?"

"I'm sorry, what? Where did you even come from, Santana? What do you want?"

We had a moment of just staring at each other and then Santana's posture loosened up, she let her hands fall to her sides and sighed.

"I just want to talk to you, Q. I wanted to -"

"Don't! Don't call me 'Q' as if we were still close, Santana. We are not, haven't been in a long time."

She raises her hands and I take a step back, I realized I should have stayed in bed.

"Okay, I'm sorry. You're right, you know? But I wanna fix that… We miss you, Britts and I, and I just wanted to talk and -"

"Yeah? Well I don't. I don't want to talk, not to you, not today, not anytime soon."

I leaned back against my car and wondered how it was possible to be so tired so early in the day.

"Where did you come from anyway? Unless your car is suddenly invisible or you just popped off the ground then I have no idea where were you hiding."

She shrugged and for an instant it felt almost … well, at least not as tense.

"I figured if you saw my car you'd probably park on the far end again, I just parked a few spaces from here and waited inside until you showed."

"You're not that important, Santana. Get out of your head."

I looked at her, right at her and I saw in her eyes something a lot like sadness, I would know it was almost the same thing when I looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn't stand it.

"Goodbye, Santana."

I waited a heartbeat before walking away, some sort of déjà vu happened when she grabbed me by the arm when I was half a step away from her.

"Come on, Q-Quinn. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for letting you down and for not being there and whatever. Come on it's always been the three of us, right?"

I did feel bad for a moment I even considered accepting her words, Santana never was one to apologize or admit any mistakes whatsoever; it was one of the things that made our friendship so complicated sometimes because I was the same way. But I really did not have the energy to deal with her, so instead I let anger wash over me again, it was so easy, so natural, it was the only real emotion I could muster so I jerked away from her and glared.

"And whatever? Seriously? 'Whatever'? That's it?"

"I'm trying here, Quinn. You know words and shit has never been my forte. Please, just accept it."

I shook my head and scoffed, it felt like drowning because a big part of me wanted to do just that, just accept it and have her park next to me and say hi to Britt who was most likely inside the car. But I couldn't, I wouldn't.

"Well, try harder. Why don't you apologize for that slushie you ordered? Why don't you apologize for being such an ass? How about you apologize for just being who you are? Huh?"

She closed her eyes and I felt some sort of sick satisfaction at the fact that I was getting to her, there was a sudden need to shout and I found myself hoping she would start.

She didn't, she just opened her eyes again and they were still sad but also something else, some other derivation of the emotion that I couldn't exactly explain.

"I didn't _order_ that slushie, Quinn. I swear I didn't. I would never do that. Hell! Even when I considered it a while ago, Britts would've never let me! Some other cheerio did it and we were too far to do anything about it."

"Really? Were you? From where I was standing you had perfect view. And even if it wasn't really you, then what a disappointment, I mean, how long did it take you to lose control of the squad? Impressive, Santana. Really impressive."

She was angry now, I could tell but she still didn't act on it she just sighed heavily and said my name.

"Leave me alone, Santana. I have other things to pretend to be interested in."

I walked away and didn't look back but I clearly heard her mutter _shit_, I paid no attention to her though I had a whole day ahead and I was already running empty. Once I was inside the school I made way quickly to my locker and retrieved what I needed for the first couple of classes, I was determined not to run into Rachel at all. I was obviously too unpredictable and for some reason I could not understand I didn't want to snap at her again, it was best if we didn't cross paths at all.

The first two periods were clear, I didn't know all of her classes but the few we shared together and we had English together third period, I didn't feel like skipping English because it was the only class that I didn't entirely loathe and I had no place else to be then so I decided to risk it.

"_The hell, right? Worst scenario you can always ignore her… you can still ignore her right?_"

I walked inside the classroom and for the first time in that class I took the seat furthest from the front, a corner seat and took out my notebooks and a copy of "The Winter of Our Discontent" and started reading it.

"Hi, Quinn. Do you mind if I sit down?"

My whole body shook with the effort it took to ignore her, to not look up, to not answer. But she didn't sit, she didn't move and I could see her shoes standing still in the same spot.

"Quinn?"

I closed my eyes and slammed my book shut.

"Whatever, Rachel. It's a free country and a free classroom."

She flinched a little and nervously put her hair behind her ear. There was not a feeling of satisfaction in me as it was earlier with Santana, it was confusing because when she did sit down in the seat next to me I struggled not to smile.


End file.
